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      09-09-2019, 07:47 PM   #4533
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Originally Posted by Kelse92 View Post
There's three months out of the year you guys have available to travel if she's a teacher, you are making it a bit harder to coordinate than it needs to be. It's just looking rough right now cause school just started. So I wouldn't be concerned about number 1.
I think problem 2 isn't so much of an issue as your whole second paragraph is. If you're already concerned about red-flags of a potential financial inequality you need to think more about that than anything and how its a total double-edged sword. If you are OK with supporting her and her kids some, which it sounds like you may end up there, you have to make sure you're not going to resent her later on for that.
On the flip side, if you found a woman equally or more financially set than you are would it intimidate you?? If that's a more scary proposition, this current scenario might make you better off. But if you're already questioning it, I would say trust your gut.
Regarding #1 - yes, we might have 3 months to schedule things together, but I cannot ask my friends to re-schedule their weddings and birthdays to suit us - I thought I made that clear? So no - #1 IS a problem because I have 3 international trips next year she won't be able to go on.
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      09-09-2019, 07:56 PM   #4534
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Originally Posted by Kelse92 View Post
There's three months out of the year you guys have available to travel if she's a teacher, you are making it a bit harder to coordinate than it needs to be. It's just looking rough right now cause school just started. So I wouldn't be concerned about number 1.
I think problem 2 isn't so much of an issue as your whole second paragraph is. If you're already concerned about red-flags of a potential financial inequality you need to think more about that than anything and how its a total double-edged sword. If you are OK with supporting her and her kids some, which it sounds like you may end up there, you have to make sure you're not going to resent her later on for that.
On the flip side, if you found a woman equally or more financially set than you are would it intimidate you?? If that's a more scary proposition, this current scenario might make you better off. But if you're already questioning it, I would say trust your gut.
As for the inequity, I guess that's what troubles me. I'm not ready to support them yet. Probably not for a year or two. In the mean time, leaves us in an awkward situation.

If I found someone equally or more financially set than I am, I would fully expect them not to be attracted to me at all, as they could have just about any guy they chose. I'm not a good looking guy, nor am I a charming "sweep them off their feet" salesman. I'm just an average guy with a foreign accent.
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      09-09-2019, 08:02 PM   #4535
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Originally Posted by dinonz View Post
As for the inequity, I guess that's what troubles me. I'm not ready to support them yet. Probably not for a year or two. In the mean time, leaves us in an awkward situation.

If I found someone equally or more financially set than I am, I would fully expect them not to be attracted to me at all, as they could have just about any guy they chose. I'm not a good looking guy, nor am I a charming "sweep them off their feet" salesman. I'm just an average guy with a foreign accent.
if i can pull off a threesome being an average looking guy with a foreign accent, you can pull this off

but on a more serious note, i'd say instead of the financials necessarily look into experiences you can share and ones you/she has experienced in the past. if there's any bit of relatable content, i'm sure you can find middle ground. sometimes two people have absolutely nothing in common, and sometimes you run into your female clone

i'm probably going to sound like an elitist dickhead, and sorry about that, but you wouldn't necessarily invite people to things that you think wouldn't fit right. if you can't think of anything you do regularly and can't find a middle ground... yeah.
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      09-09-2019, 08:18 PM   #4536
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if i can pull off a threesome being an average looking guy with a foreign accent, you can pull this off
Yes - but you're 20-mumble. I just turned 50. I have more hair where it's not supposed to be than you care to hear about, and less where it's supposed to be than you want to hear about.

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Originally Posted by Turkish Pickle View Post
but on a more serious note, i'd say instead of the financials necessarily look into experiences you can share and ones you/she has experienced in the past. if there's any bit of relatable content, i'm sure you can find middle ground. sometimes two people have absolutely nothing in common, and sometimes you run into your female clone

i'm probably going to sound like an elitist dickhead, and sorry about that, but you wouldn't necessarily invite people to things that you think wouldn't fit right. if you can't think of anything you do regularly and can't find a middle ground... yeah.
I guess there's a whole backstory to much of this that's hard to explain, but I've spent 4 years supporting friends at a great cost to me, and I'm finally free - and it looks like I'm going down the same path all over again. She and I have some middle ground (wine) but I'm still trying to find "what else". For various reasons I have lost interest in a lot of things over the years, so maybe this is more of a problem for me to work out for me than about us. I don't know. I just know she likes the D. A lot.

And no - you're not an elitist dickhead. A little young, but you have a good head on your shoulders. No comment regarding elsewhere.
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      09-09-2019, 08:27 PM   #4537
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Guys - I need your thoughts.

I've recently started seeing someone, and she seems really smitten really soon. I'm still seeing where it goes, but she's getting very attached. Not that I think she's a gold-digger, but she knows I'm building a house and have an M3 and a Ferrari.

She's a teacher, has an unused passport, 2 teen boys, and lives a nice sensible comfortable life. I don't know her financials, but I believe she lives sensibly but still paycheck to paycheck, I'm about to become comfortable - very comfortable. 8 figure comfortable. I have at least 4 international trips planned for next year alone (sorry - 3 - I still consider Hawaii as international!) and that leaves me with 2 problems:

1. She's a teacher, and it's hard for her to get away. I cannot plan but 1 of the trips (a wedding, and 2 birthdays cannot be changed by me) around her schedule.
2. She cannot afford to go on any of these trips.

#2 is less of an issue - I am old fashioned and not against paying to take someone provided she's not a gold digger, but #1 might mean she can't go on any of my trips which makes for a sad partnership in my view. Or am I being an ass?

I'm far from the "hey - don't work - just come live with me and we can travel at will" stage, but I worry that we're heading for troubled grounds.

I dunno. I've had a couple of wines and don't know what to think.
I wouldn't say she is a gold digger just yet, there are a number of reasons someone can become attached quickly. Previous relationship treatment has a lot to do with it. Is she divorced, widowed, etc? If she is a single mom there is more to the story. Is the father in the picture, was it messy? It's entirely possible she has been treated like shit previously, and now with 2 kids she recognizes the benefit of being with a respectable guy like yourself.

I'm 29, and my issue on dating sites is that most of the women who want to date me are single moms. Some of them very attractive, but I just don't want that baggage just yet. My thinking is that in this stage of their life they are done dealing with all the assholes, and someone who is financially responsible and a genuine person is attractive to them now that life has smacked them in the face with reality.
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      09-09-2019, 08:33 PM   #4538
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Yes - but you're 20-mumble. I just turned 50. I have more hair where it's not supposed to be than you care to hear about, and less where it's supposed to be than you want to hear about.
true, i think i'll be ok without that knowledge


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Originally Posted by dinonz View Post
I guess there's a whole backstory to much of this that's hard to explain, but I've spent 4 years supporting friends at a great cost to me, and I'm finally free - and it looks like I'm going down the same path all over again. She and I have some middle ground (wine) but I'm still trying to find "what else". For various reasons I have lost interest in a lot of things over the years, so maybe this is more of a problem for me to work out for me than about us. I don't know. I just know she likes the D. A lot.

And no - you're not an elitist dickhead. A little young, but you have a good head on your shoulders. No comment regarding elsewhere.


the first part brings this question to my mind: what are you really looking for? a wife-kinda deal or just someone nice to spend time with but also open to options?

im generally very impulsive about this stuff, at the slightest bad gut feeling i'll talk it out with my boys (which generally ends up as groupthink) and generally move on. depending on your answer to the question above you'll figure out where to go with this

and wine could be a good middle ground, but how do you guys get along past bedroom activities? is there anything you guys talk about, or is it just "hey how was your day" "long and hard hbu" "yeah mine was okay but you know what else is long and hard?"


and - this is straight up stereotyping, but what level does she teach? i'd argue kindergarten teachers are WAY different than, say, high school teachers
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      09-09-2019, 08:35 PM   #4539
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Originally Posted by CTinline-six View Post
I wouldn't say she is a gold digger just yet, there are a number of reasons someone can become attached quickly. Previous relationship treatment has a lot to do with it. Is she divorced, widowed, etc? If she is a single mom there is more to the story. Is the father in the picture, was it messy? It's entirely possible she has been treated like shit previously, and now with 2 kids she recognizes the benefit of being with a respectable guy like yourself.

I'm 29, and my issue on dating sites is that most of the women who want to date me are single moms. Some of them very attractive, but I just don't want that baggage just yet. My thinking is that in this stage of their life they are done dealing with all the assholes, and someone who is financially responsible and a genuine person is attractive to them now that life has smacked them in the face with reality.
She's divorced, and it was amicable I believe as they share custody of the boys and it seems to work well, but the marriage was not good so yes - there's probably a good deal of recognizing a respectful guy. She has dated since her divorce though, so I'm not the first - don't know much about those however.

I get you about baggage. I didn't want to date anyone with children either - they are at her place all week except Thursday and every other weekend I believe, and that doesn't help - we can't just be spontaneous - everything has to be planned around kids. I've been single most of my life and been free to do whatever whenever - not enjoying the being unable to do what we want to do.
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      09-09-2019, 08:39 PM   #4540
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Originally Posted by Turkish Pickle View Post
true, i think i'll be ok without that knowledge





the first part brings this question to my mind: what are you really looking for? a wife-kinda deal or just someone nice to spend time with but also open to options?

im generally very impulsive about this stuff, at the slightest bad gut feeling i'll talk it out with my boys (which generally ends up as groupthink) and generally move on. depending on your answer to the question above you'll figure out where to go with this

and wine could be a good middle ground, but how do you guys get along past bedroom activities? is there anything you guys talk about, or is it just "hey how was your day" "long and hard hbu" "yeah mine was okay but you know what else is long and hard?"


and - this is straight up stereotyping, but what level does she teach? i'd argue kindergarten teachers are WAY different than, say, high school teachers
What am I looking for? For now - fun partner to do things with. Wife? Maybe later. Not opposed, not desperate. See where it goes.

We talk about a lot of things when together, but don't communicate a lot outside that. Like haven't heard from her since Sunday afternoon. At the same time, she's not heard from me. Communication is a two way street, and works from both ends.

She just moved from kindergarten to pre-K - is that bad?
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      09-09-2019, 08:56 PM   #4541
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What am I looking for? For now - fun partner to do things with. Wife? Maybe later. Not opposed, not desperate. See where it goes.

We talk about a lot of things when together, but don't communicate a lot outside that. Like haven't heard from her since Sunday afternoon. At the same time, she's not heard from me. Communication is a two way street, and works from both ends.

She just moved from kindergarten to pre-K - is that bad?
nah i wouldn't outright call it bad, but i'd also argue people who teach upper grades tend to be more self-reliant, probably because at work they can find people they can relate to (somewhat). trying to conversate with 5 year olds is different than with 16-18 year olds; my senior year in high school we were basically friends for these teachers more than students

a lot of my professors in college say they can never teach children, and generally speaking those who admit that are the cooler ones

but that's good! that means she can take good care of your kids when you two get married but on a serious note, think about it this way: you can't really be "evil" and decompress to 3 year olds. one of my dad's friends married after being single basically for ever, to a kindergarten teacher, and now he is a running gag in their group as basically being cucked as she rarely "lets him get with the boys" and a few of them are actually "out of bounds". but this all happened when they got married so i'm sure that's not an issue any time soon for you


in terms of the communication thing, i am like that too. i also hate just text-talking (prefer calling), but i'd also say check in every now and then. i told this one girl i hate texting and suck at it too (i lied, yes) and until the day before we met up a second time i did not text her and she goes "oh i thought it was off i didnt hear back from you in a while"
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      09-10-2019, 05:52 AM   #4542
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Originally Posted by dinonz View Post
Guys - I need your thoughts.

I've recently started seeing someone, and she seems really smitten really soon. I'm still seeing where it goes, but she's getting very attached. Not that I think she's a gold-digger, but she knows I'm building a house and have an M3 and a Ferrari.

She's a teacher, has an unused passport, 2 teen boys, and lives a nice sensible comfortable life. I don't know her financials, but I believe she lives sensibly but still paycheck to paycheck, I'm about to become comfortable - very comfortable. 8 figure comfortable. I have at least 4 international trips planned for next year alone (sorry - 3 - I still consider Hawaii as international!) and that leaves me with 2 problems:

1. She's a teacher, and it's hard for her to get away. I cannot plan but 1 of the trips (a wedding, and 2 birthdays cannot be changed by me) around her schedule.
2. She cannot afford to go on any of these trips.

#2 is less of an issue - I am old fashioned and not against paying to take someone provided she's not a gold digger, but #1 might mean she can't go on any of my trips which makes for a sad partnership in my view. Or am I being an ass?

I'm far from the "hey - don't work - just come live with me and we can travel at will" stage, but I worry that we're heading for troubled grounds.

I dunno. I've had a couple of wines and don't know what to think.
At this point...I wouldn't worry about it. I have been in those situations too. I was just honest and told them while I enjoyed spending time with them, I thought they were moving faster than I felt comfortable with...and then I would see what their reaction was.

Don't take this wrong but with all the planning, it sounds like you may also be a little "smitten" with her as well. At this stage of the game, I feel like you still need to put yourself first. Make plans when they can work out, and when they don't work out don't sweat it. Its not like it's your fault anyway.

And if she is truly interested in this going somewhere and not just latching on for financial security, I think she would understand.

My wife is a teacher. We dated for a few years before getting married. During the school year, I was out with my "boys" more than I was with her. But it gave me a chance to see how she reacted. I didn't expect her to change her plans for me, and expected the same in return.

Now after about a year, we had talked about it and committed to see where things would go and that we would only see each other and no one else. That is where I got to see how trusting she could be. As for the gold-digger issue, I used to show up for dates with other women in my brother's old beat up pick-up truck. I figured that would let me know pretty quickly if their were any ulterior motives at hand.

Kind of like not "playing all your cards" at once.

But regardless of my rambling, best of luck with the situation. Your circumstances are different than mine were as I was only 30 when I hit the dating scene again. And I definitely wasn't looking to get in a relationship and didn't for years. I just had fun and did what I wanted. If they were game for those terms...then so be it. If not, then I just checked out.
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      09-10-2019, 08:44 AM   #4543
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At this point...I wouldn't worry about it. I have been in those situations too. I was just honest and told them while I enjoyed spending time with them, I thought they were moving faster than I felt comfortable with...and then I would see what their reaction was.

Don't take this wrong but with all the planning, it sounds like you may also be a little "smitten" with her as well. At this stage of the game, I feel like you still need to put yourself first. Make plans when they can work out, and when they don't work out don't sweat it. Its not like it's your fault anyway.

And if she is truly interested in this going somewhere and not just latching on for financial security, I think she would understand.

My wife is a teacher. We dated for a few years before getting married. During the school year, I was out with my "boys" more than I was with her. But it gave me a chance to see how she reacted. I didn't expect her to change her plans for me, and expected the same in return.

Now after about a year, we had talked about it and committed to see where things would go and that we would only see each other and no one else. That is where I got to see how trusting she could be. As for the gold-digger issue, I used to show up for dates with other women in my brother's old beat up pick-up truck. I figured that would let me know pretty quickly if their were any ulterior motives at hand.

Kind of like not "playing all your cards" at once.

But regardless of my rambling, best of luck with the situation. Your circumstances are different than mine were as I was only 30 when I hit the dating scene again. And I definitely wasn't looking to get in a relationship and didn't for years. I just had fun and did what I wanted. If they were game for those terms...then so be it. If not, then I just checked out.
Thanks. I've been thinking of telling her it's all a little fast for me - I'll see how that goes.

I wouldn't say smitten, but I do think ahead (generally with everything - my daily budget I keep stretches out over 18 months in the future)

You said you waited a year before committing to not seeing anyone else. She told me that a week ago, and we only met mid-July one day before I went to NZ for 2 weeks. That's another reason I feel she's smitten and rushing things.

I have considered getting an old beater for dating or at least a much more modest car, but I already have the M3 and Ferrari, and plan to buy another classic exotic (Countach) later this year. But maybe a more sensible daily driver makes sense - bit late for this one though.

Thanks again - I do appreciate the input.
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      09-10-2019, 08:55 AM   #4544
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I asked this one girl on a date, after starting my first job, and she flat out told me no (with a big grin on her face). I thought it was kind of strange she just said no and grinned at me, so I asked her later why she was so quick to say no and she said, “You are my cousin, you goof, don’t you remember you went to my quinceniera (15th birthday party)”.

Mk, now fast forward about five years and this coworker of mine sets me up with this office girl that has a crush on me. We go out, elegant adult atmosphere, dinner, wine and go back to her apartment for a chat on her loveseat. Things going good, chemistry all there, conversation is heading toward where we grew up, she mentions a town or two I used to live near, then aunts, cousins and BAM......yup, her cousins are my cousins, then.....her grandpa and my grandpa....brothers....DAM.

The End
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      09-10-2019, 09:31 AM   #4545
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I'm about to become comfortable - very comfortable. 8 figure comfortable.
so, you're single?

but seriously, whats the age difference?
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      09-10-2019, 09:33 AM   #4546
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I asked this one girl on a date, after starting my first job, and she flat out told me no (with a big grin on her face). I thought it was kind of strange she just said no and grinned at me, so I asked her later why she was so quick to say no and she said, “You are my cousin, you goof, don’t you remember you went to my quinceniera (15th birthday party)”.

Mk, now fast forward about five years and this coworker of mine sets me up with this office girl that has a crush on me. We go out, elegant adult atmosphere, dinner, wine and go back to her apartment for a chat on her loveseat. Things going good, chemistry all there, conversation is heading toward where we grew up, she mentions a town or two I used to live near, then aunts, cousins and BAM......yup, her cousins are my cousins, then.....her grandpa and my grandpa....brothers....DAM.

The End

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      09-10-2019, 10:32 AM   #4547
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so, you're single?

but seriously, whats the age difference?
About 7 years I think - I think she's 43. I'm 50.
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      09-10-2019, 12:38 PM   #4548
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Originally Posted by TNTMYM3 View Post
I asked this one girl on a date, after starting my first job, and she flat out told me no (with a big grin on her face). I thought it was kind of strange she just said no and grinned at me, so I asked her later why she was so quick to say no and she said, “You are my cousin, you goof, don’t you remember you went to my quinceniera (15th birthday party)”.

Mk, now fast forward about five years and this coworker of mine sets me up with this office girl that has a crush on me. We go out, elegant adult atmosphere, dinner, wine and go back to her apartment for a chat on her loveseat. Things going good, chemistry all there, conversation is heading toward where we grew up, she mentions a town or two I used to live near, then aunts, cousins and BAM......yup, her cousins are my cousins, then.....her grandpa and my grandpa....brothers....DAM.

The End
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      09-10-2019, 12:40 PM   #4549
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Originally Posted by dinonz View Post
Thanks. I've been thinking of telling her it's all a little fast for me - I'll see how that goes.

I wouldn't say smitten, but I do think ahead (generally with everything - my daily budget I keep stretches out over 18 months in the future)

You said you waited a year before committing to not seeing anyone else. She told me that a week ago, and we only met mid-July one day before I went to NZ for 2 weeks. That's another reason I feel she's smitten and rushing things.

I have considered getting an old beater for dating or at least a much more modest car, but I already have the M3 and Ferrari, and plan to buy another classic exotic (Countach) later this year. But maybe a more sensible daily driver makes sense - bit late for this one though.

Thanks again - I do appreciate the input.
im guessing she knows you have all of those assests....
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      09-10-2019, 02:28 PM   #4550
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im guessing she knows you have all of those assests....
Yes - I'm not very good at deception. I didn't say anything about the house until it slipped out one day that I was moving later in the year, and couldn't think what else to say other than the truth.
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      09-10-2019, 03:09 PM   #4551
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She isn't smitten sir. She's exercising her flesh hooks. Most women have them. They are activated when they smell money and they tend to latch on to the individual from whence the smell emanated. She doesn't love you, she wants to be set.....financially set.

In my experiences, I've encountered 3 types. Keep in mind, I live a modest life; 5 figure income, small home (all be it paid off and nice) but I'm not housing a Ferrari or expensive toys, no vacations, etc. Type 1. completely intimidated by successful people and absolutely no way of knowing how to act. Type 2. Wants that money and willing to do, act or say anything to get it. Type 3......sigh.....the current girlfriend....only wants my time and couldn't care less if I was insanely rich or homeless.

Your girl falls into one of these categories. You need to determine which. If she told you just a few weeks ago that she wanted a year before she decides to date you exclusively, then suddenly she's smitten. I'll agree with your own words, yet in more of a Kanye-ish type manner....."I'm not saying she's a gold digger.......but....."

I can't believe I just quoted Kanye in anything. I need a long, drawn out, Lifetime Movie-esque, sitting in the shower floor, crying, wash the dirt off moment......and that still won't be enough. I might have to break out the whiskey and some country music tonight.
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      09-10-2019, 03:16 PM   #4552
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I have considered getting an old beater for dating or at least a much more modest car, but I already have the M3 and Ferrari, and plan to buy another classic exotic (Countach) later this year. But maybe a more sensible daily driver makes sense - bit late for this one though.
The M3 is plenty sensible as a daily based on your lineup IMO
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      09-10-2019, 03:18 PM   #4553
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In my experiences, I've encountered 3 types. Keep in mind, I live a modest life; 5 figure income, small home (all be it paid off and nice) but I'm not housing a Ferrari or expensive toys, no vacations, etc. Type 1. completely intimidated by successful people and absolutely no way of knowing how to act. Type 2. Wants that money and willing to do, act or say anything to get it. Type 3......sigh.....the current girlfriend....only wants my time and couldn't care less if I was insanely rich or homeless.

Your girl falls into one of these categories. You need to determine which. If she told you just a few weeks ago that she wanted a year before she decides to date you exclusively, then suddenly she's smitten. I'll agree with your own words, yet in more of a Kanye-ish type manner....."I'm not saying she's a gold digger.......but....."
I love this analogy. Well said! She'll fit one one of the three, you sigh like #3 is a bad thing lol but that's ultimately the best kind of person to be with.
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      09-10-2019, 03:25 PM   #4554
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The M3 is plenty sensible as a daily based on your lineup IMO
Yeah - it's just a bit much for first dates if you're trying to conceal wealth.
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