[upstatedoc]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Since upstatedoc is now in a relationship, and therefore out of this dating thread,

hey i'm not out of the woods yet, and yeah i have to be physically attracted to someone as well or it won't work

[________]

Originally Posted by bimmette

You're just settling because you're comfortable. I've done the same even when I was not physically attracted anymore, and let me say, it's not fair to her and you. Try to rekindle with some romantic dates, but if it doesn't work, forget it. She doesn't want to be your roommate.

Neither do I, don't get me wrong. I was the one that made the move so we could both focus on our things. She never wanted me to move and is very scared of losing her comfort.

Is it more comfortable if we stay together? Yes. I won't have to hurt her.
I was looking forward for the thrill of being single again, but then realized "what if the grass isn't greener"...

Neither of us wants to be roommates, but can we be more than that again?

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

I don't know but my guess is:

As usual, we got infatuated when started dating, lots of passion, heat (not like upstatedoc), made plans, moved in together, did lots of stuff together (move out, new houses, international trips, MBA together, Post grad together, etc)
Then we got married...
At a certain point things weren't so hot anymore, and I fully accept that is normal.
But I started to feel like I was the only one "starting things" so to speak.
So, maybe instinctively or counterproductively I started to "not" start things. As in: you should do something as well.

Well, lo and behold, we'd go months with just a closed lip kiss everyday...

It took me a couple of years to decide that wasn't going to work and left.

Apparently for her the passion is still there and she regrets not making any move. But I'm uncertain I'd be open for that now...

Do you guys have kids? They can be a drag on time (young ones anyway). I think you said you didn't, but just checking.

What is it that changed for you that you no longer feel physically attracted to her? Has her appearance changed, has yours? Is it because she never seemed to initiate?

Trying to figure out what changed here in your view. There was a book I read about love languages (and how each person is different, but broadly they fall into specific categories) and how its important to understand the other's love language (and they need to understand yours), so that each of you can reach out on their level.

If she's committed to making it work and making changes (and you doing the same where needed as well, because it is rarely only one-sided, though I believe that can happen, just in exceptional circumstances), this relationship could work.

But I think you need to really figure out what changed for you to lose that physical component - it is important.

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

hey i'm not out of the woods yet, and yeah i have to be physically attracted to someone as well or it won't work

Then you better grab her by the pussy already...

[________]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

Do you guys have kids? They can be a drag on time (young ones anyway). I think you said you didn't, but just checking.

What is it that changed for you that you no longer feel physically attracted to her? Has her appearance changed, has yours? Is it because she never seemed to initiate?

Trying to figure out what changed here in your view. There was a book I read about love languages (and how each person is different, but broadly they fall into specific categories) and how its important to understand the other's love language (and they need to understand yours), so that each of you can reach out on their level.

If she's committed to making it work and making changes (and you doing the same where needed as well, because it is rarely only one-sided, though I believe that can happen, just in exceptional circumstances), this relationship could work.

But I think you need to really figure out what changed for you to lose that physical component - it is important.

Hey thanks...
I replied to never enough above while you were writing, but yes, no kids, and nothing changed physically or behaviourally, my guess is that the no initiation from her part drove me away.
Maybe she was raised that way. I don't know.

[bimmette]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Neither do I, don't get me wrong. I was the one that made the move so we could both focus on our things. She never wanted me to move and is very scared of losing her comfort.

Is it more comfortable if we stay together? Yes. I won't have to hurt her.
I was looking forward for the thrill of being single again, but then realized "what if the grass isn't greener"...

Neither of us wants to be roommates, but can we be more than that again?

I think there are two aspects involved. Do you love her personality and admire and respect her? Are you attracted to her brain?
And then, if you didn't know her, would you physically find her attractive? Maybe she has gained weight? Maybe you have? Maybe you can go workout together?

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

I don't know but my guess is:

As usual, we got infatuated when started dating, lots of passion, heat (not like upstatedoc), made plans, moved in together, did lots of stuff together (move out, new houses, international trips, MBA together, Post grad together, etc)
Then we got married...
At a certain point things weren't so hot anymore, and I fully accept that is normal.
But I started to feel like I was the only one "starting things" so to speak.
So, maybe instinctively or counterproductively I started to "not" start things. As in: you should do something as well.

Well, lo and behold, we'd go months with just a closed lip kiss everyday...

It took me a couple of years to decide that wasn't going to work and left.

Apparently for her the passion is still there and she regrets not making any move. But I'm uncertain I'd be open for that now...

That doesn't sound like you're not physically attracted to her, that sounds like the flame went out. The flame can be reignited, but you both have to put in the work.

I've been in the relationship where I was always initiating & I got tired of that bs so I stopped & then it became a roommate thing really. Then she cheated & left on a whim. Don't let that be you.

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

You never know, it's a small, small world.

But in all likelihood, yes, very few of us will meet IRL. Feel like I'm getting back to my high school days of being a geek by saying that, but it is the most likely outcome.

What is nice is that in spite of the fact most of us are unlikely to meet, we still share a common interest that unites us, and that gets us passionate enough to help each other out regardless and provide advice. And it is those different viewpoints that we each bring to the table that helps each of us grow as we consider them and take the good from each, and ignore the bad (because, let's face it, we're all flawed).

I like these forums too, they've helped me consider things I wouldn't have thought of otherwise.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Hey thanks...
I replied to never enough above while you were writing, but yes, no kids, and nothing changed physically or behaviourally, my guess is that the no initiation from her part drove me away.
Maybe she was raised that way. I don't know.

Hmm, well, if that's her nature, it isn't going to be easy to change, and it'll be easy to slip back into what is comfortable later on.

And if that is key to you, then it won't be easy. Is she willing to commit to changing and initiating? Are you willing to respond? If you shut her down when she tries, it will never work, she'll get embarrassed or feel hurt, and won't continue.

Have you explained this clearly to her, that the lack of initiation on her part is extremely important to you? Has she committed to changing? Have you asked whether there is something you need to fix for her sake?

[________]

Originally Posted by bimmette

I think there are two aspects involved. Do you love her personality and admire and respect her? Are you attracted to her brain?
And then, if you didn't know her, would you physically find her attractive? Maybe she has gained weight? Maybe you have? Maybe you can go workout together?

I love her in the sense of I would do anything for her. As I love my friends.
I have lots of respect for her, and I do find her very intelligent.

You're touching on a very good point, as lately I found myself being a little short on her shortcomings, as in I have lost respect for her. When we split up she became "friends" of people she'd badmouth a lot. She still does (stuff like "oh darn I have to go meet my friends grrr I'd rather not, they're exhausting, they're stupid but I care for them") that lost my respect.

I don't think I'd find her physically attractive today, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed. Sometimes I think she's cute. She hasn't changed much, neither have I. We're both in relatively good shape.

There's something about me though, that I thought was common to most men, is that you may find someone very attractive (say in a picture), but when they open their mouths they become ugly... or the other way around. Personality is about 70% of a person's good looks for me.

[________]

Originally Posted by Never_Enough

That doesn't sound like you're not physically attracted to her, that sounds like the flame went out. The flame can be reignited, but you both have to put in the work.

I've been in the relationship where I was always initiating & I got tired of that bs so I stopped & then it became a roommate thing really. Then she cheated & left on a whim. Don't let that be you.

It feels like I was the one that left on a whim... although, I brought that up many times... we let it become a roommate situation and then I left when I found someone else (that didn't work out).
I told her I always felt like a coward for not having the courage to take action, but needed to get out for both of our sakes.

Originally Posted by Joekerr

Hmm, well, if that's her nature, it isn't going to be easy to change, and it'll be easy to slip back into what is comfortable later on.

And if that is key to you, then it won't be easy. Is she willing to commit to changing and initiating? Are you willing to respond? If you shut her down when she tries, it will never work, she'll get embarrassed or feel hurt, and won't continue.

Have you explained this clearly to her, that the lack of initiation on her part is extremely important to you? Has she committed to changing? Have you asked whether there is something you need to fix for her sake?

Yes we have had many many conversations about it.

She says she regrets not taking initiative, and would like to show me how she can.

Sometimes she kisses me but her tongue feels cold, you know? Don't know how to say it... I care for her a lot.

I wish I believed in hypnosis. Maybe someone could say "you feel hot for her" and all would be gone.

[nyalpine90]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

I love her in the sense of I would do anything for her. As I love my friends.
I have lots of respect for her, and I do find her very intelligent.

You're touching on a very good point, as lately I found myself being a little short on her shortcomings, as in I have lost respect for her. When we split up she became "friends" of people she'd badmouth a lot. She still does (stuff like "oh darn I have to go meet my friends grrr I'd rather not, they're exhausting, they're stupid but I care for them") that lost my respect.

I don't think I'd find her physically attractive today, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed. Sometimes I think she's cute. She hasn't changed much, neither have I. We're both in relatively good shape.

There's something about me though, that I thought was common to most men, is that you may find someone very attractive (say in a picture), but when they open their mouths they become ugly... or the other way around. Personality is about 70% of a person's good looks for me.

sounds like communication problem, you need to be straight up with her. let her know how you feel, and ask her whats going on.

or You just got bored of her but still care/love her.

[upstatedoc]

Originally Posted by Never_Enough

Then you better grab her by the pussy already...

oh that reminds me i have to vote today

[nyalpine90]

holding back of expressing yourself of your emotions is never good.
keeping marriage sprung is the key, if it becomes a routine job it gets boring and ... gets uglier

[Turkish Pickle]

grrrr her jeans dyed my seats
im pissed

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke

grrrr her jeans dyed my seats
im pissed

It is just a VW....

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke

grrrr her jeans dyed my seats
im pissed

Stop making the pussy wet then you savage.

[Turkish Pickle]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

It is just a VW....

it's a lincoln
regardless of what it is, my cars are painfully clean within a college budget, i get hella compliments. the previous owner also took good care of it, sitting inside you wouldn't be able to tell its a 8 year old car with 4 owners at 97k

Originally Posted by Never_Enough

Stop making the pussy wet then you savage.

i dont know what makes that happen! i truly don't know how i manage to attract some girls, but given my track record with "crazy" (not the estrogen induced one, actual crazy) i guess i really should figure it out

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke

it's a lincoln
regardless of what it is, my cars are painfully clean within a college budget, i get hella compliments. the previous owner also took good care of it, sitting inside you wouldn't be able to tell its a 8 year old car with 4 owners at 97k


i dont know what makes that happen! i truly don't know how i manage to attract some girls, but given my track record with "crazy" (not the estrogen induced one, actual crazy) i guess i really should figure it out

My bad. My definite bad. I saw MK...and then I just automatically went VW in my mind.

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke

it's a lincoln
regardless of what it is, my cars are painfully clean within a college budget, i get hella compliments. the previous owner also took good care of it, sitting inside you wouldn't be able to tell its a 8 year old car with 4 owners at 97k


i dont know what makes that happen! i truly don't know how i manage to attract some girls, but given my track record with "crazy" (not the estrogen induced one, actual crazy) i guess i really should figure it out

Maybe you be crazy too yo

I'm not right in the head. Guess it goes back to Jody's artist thing since I am one too.

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

My bad. My definite bad. I saw MK...and then I just automatically went VW in my mind.

Get out. No Hellcat for you.

[________]

What in the world are you guys talking about lol