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      01-10-2019, 02:48 PM   #2883
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Originally Posted by bimmette View Post
Just go for your hour whenever you want. Give her notice and she can put in more effort to be there at the same time...or not.
You do make it sound like it's less of an issue than what it is. It honestly seems like her lack of hustle in life is spilling over into mine. I guess I would like to be considered enough to get a phone call after she leaves work explaining what the game plan is. I would like to be back from the gym, showered and in bed before 9:30, not just leaving the gym at that time. This is nothing to her as she usually stays up til 1:00 a.m. and I just can't do that anymore. I'm 42 and 4 hours of sleep on a 10 hour work day makes for an extremely grouchy person. Not to mention that I have certain windows of when I eat, when I work out etc. I've been about 40-50 pounds over weight my entire life and I am finally doing something about it. She might weigh 125 and eats whatever she wants and looks amazing. Quite honestly she doesn't even need to go to the gym. The only reason she goes is because she can workout and tan for cheaper than what she was paying to just tan.

I think I've already decided to just go after work and tell her to meet me there, we'll just have to drive separately. Aside from 20 minutes of cardio we don't workout together anyway, it's just a time management thing. If I go early and she goes late, there is no point in us even trying to see each other as I'll be asleep by the time she is done.
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      01-10-2019, 03:03 PM   #2884
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Originally Posted by Herdalum View Post
Is both of you driving an issue? If not, how about getting her to compromise and cut an hour out of her “delay” time, you go to the gym first and she comes a half hour later. You get your full workout and get out of the gym an hour earlier.
Not an issue. I think I'll just head there after work and she can come whenever she can make it.
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      01-10-2019, 03:14 PM   #2885
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Originally Posted by Not_Judy View Post
I've been going now for a little over two months. I started with 50% cardio and 50% strength training every other day. I'm now doing cardio for 45-65 minutes a day and free weights building lean muscle to burn off the weight I haven't lost. Next month I plan to do less cardio and more muscle building.

I'm with you on rushing. It is something that I simply do not do. Rushing indicates poor time management. Someone else's mismanagement of time that causes me to have to rush through my activities is a sure fire way piss me off. Especially when it comes to something I'm dedicated to.

I do feel like some of it is to keep an eye on me. She doesn't do the jealous girlfriend bit, but only because she doesn't want to come across that way. She definitely peacocks when she notices other girls checking me out, basically letting them know she's with me. I could see this being some of the reason. I also catch a lot of guys checking her out. Last night some guy was trying to talk to her while I was working out on the other side of the gym. I never mentioned it to her that I saw it and she never mentioned to me that it even happened.

I've learned that ultimatums are never to be used for anything ever. The whole thing is just weird to me at this point. I keep trying to help and offer suggestions and solutions but it's almost as if she resists on all fronts. Case in point, she doesn't bring a bag to the gym; I do. I take my bag to the locker room and lock everything up. This is so I can change shirts after my cardio because I'm usually drenched after. Rather then her having the forethought to bring a bag, a change shirt and a lock, she'll carry her jacket and everything else around at the gym with her. I offer to lock it up with my stuff and she refuses. I also have to bring her a towel because she never remembers. I also have to either buy or bring her a water if I forget to remind her to get one. It's almost like having another kid look after and wait on.

Another weird side note: Tuesday she informs me around 4:00 that she forgot she had an appointment to get her hair done. I ask what time she will be done and if she wanted me to wait on her to go to the gym. She states it didn't matter to her. I told her that rather than wait I would just go to the gym and let me know when she was finished. This was at 4:00. At 9:00 I still had not heard from her so I call. She then tells me that she is on her way to the gym to meet me. She never even bothered to call to see if I was even there. I was finished, home and about to shower and she acted disappointed that she now had to turn around and go back the other direction and didn't workout that night. Is it me or is there something screwy here? Not saying she is cheating or doing something behind my back but it seems like forethought and communications are really lacking.
1- thanks for the 600th rep friend
2- let's not jump to conclusions on the edit, i'd say thats not really a productive use of your time, i feel like it might be just stemming from just being selfish...

edit: i really dont think its because something is going behind your back; thinking back to the kid analogy my mom always says you don't check up on a kid if he's being loud, you check up on him when he's quiet... but as i said i really doubt it's that + let's not jump to conclusions. it is weird yeah but call it benefit of the doubt, i feel like it's more because she is at the gym to keep an eye on you + you said its cheaper for her to tan there. so like she probably doesn't really care about the working out part but it's more of a let's make sure the boy himself doesn't veer off than anything else...
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      01-10-2019, 03:16 PM   #2886
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Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke View Post
1- thanks for the 600th rep friend
2- let's not jump to conclusions on the edit, i'd say thats not really a productive use of your time, i feel like it might be just stemming from just being selfish...

Most welcome good sir!

Selfish on her end or mine? I do feel selfish in all this but at the same time, I have things I want to do in life and not just sit around while waiting on someone to figure out what they are doing.
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      01-10-2019, 03:19 PM   #2887
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Originally Posted by Not_Judy View Post
Most welcome good sir!

Selfish on her end or mine? I do feel selfish in all this but at the same time, I have things I want to do in life and not just sit around while waiting on someone to figure out what they are doing.
do read my edit
but: one can argue you're being selfish because youre not syncing your day with her to spend time with her etc all the disney movie lovey dovey bs. i'm saying selfish on her end - do not feel selfish at all i'd say for wanting a better lifestyle for yourself - what i meant by that was she's selfish and cares more about getting her hair done or whatever than actually respecting your time of the day that you allocated to working out
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      01-10-2019, 03:20 PM   #2888
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke View Post

i love a good BLT though
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Originally Posted by Herdalum View Post
Is that a euphemism?
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Originally Posted by Herdalum View Post
I was more going on the initials... BJ, BLT ? c’mon, there’s gotta be something lewd we can turn that into...
Well, if you sound BLT out phonetically, sounds a little like blot, which sounds a little like thot....but that's a leap. Can't help you.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Not_Judy View Post
Alright gentlemen, I need your help. I posted in the annoying things at the gym thread and as I typed I realized I need to put it up here to get opinions.

The most annoying thing currently at the gym is the girlfriend. After I joined she decided to join as well under the ole "We can work out together." If you did the girlfriend voice thing as you read that we can be friends.

We both get off work at 4:30 p.m. She lives 7 minutes from me exactly. Somehow it takes her 3 hours to go home and change into gym clothes and then meet me at my place. It is now getting to where it is almost 8:00 p.m. before we get to the gym. Mind you I have to be at work at 6:30 a.m. She has also started this new thing where she mismanages her time so poorly throughout the day at her job that she doesn't eat lunch. I eat a lean lunch and don't eat dinner. After leaving the gym around 9:00 - 9:30 she is now hungry. Don't get me wrong I'd like to eat too but I'm also trying to drop an additional 30 pounds. I've tried explaining to her how pointless it is go do a bunch of cardio/weight resistance and then eat that late. My other biggest complaint is that I can leave work, go to the gym and have my entire workout finished before she even gets to my house. Due to the fact of getting to the gym so late, I have to cut my session in half because she is done after 20 minutes and although she doesn't complain, I can tell she gets frustrated having to wait on me to finish.

My gym partner is now causing me not to get the workout in that I want and I'm starting to resent her for it. Last night I made the comment that I may just start going right after work. Her response was "Well I hope it doesn't bother you if I go alone and not get to your house until late because I go later"

WTF, how do I tell her to manage her time more wisely and get her shit together without being an asshole or starting a fight? This could potentially end a 2 1/2 year relationship. I am not going to allow someone else's lack of planning or motivation to derail mine.

I see you've wisely decided to consult the therapists in OT, rather than rely strictly on the subforums that some of us rarely visit if at all. Excellent decision.

So as I understand it, the situation is as follows:
When she has her kids, not really a huge issue (because you go without her), but you are rushing to work out, eat, see her, and get back to bed. But it sounds like these weeks aren't really the problem, aside from it being hectic.

When she doesn't have her kids, it takes her 3 hours to get from her work, to her place, change, and then get over to your place and then you leave for the gym. This then leaves very little time for your workout and causes you to eat late after the workout as well.

Potential solution:
Since she isn't actually at your place until 3 hours after she gets off work...and therefore has no idea where you are, have you considered the following:
Working out at your leisure immediately after work, but not telling her.
Then, since it sounds like in the past you typically wind up making dinner for her anyways most nights, make dinner as soon as you get back from working out (should still have plenty of time before she gets there), and tell her if she wants to go to the gym that late, the new policy is you have to eat before you go
Then you both go to the gym (you for the second time), but you are only there to spend time with her...which is also why she theoretically is there...and you leave when she's ready. Maybe you make her wait an extra 15 min the first week, extra 10 the next, 5 the next and so on to pare it down gradually so as not to make her ask questions.

She'd be happy and none the wiser, and you'd be working out and eating before and happy too.

This is a bandaid solution to the current problem, but you already know this lack of motivation in the long run will cause issues.
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      01-10-2019, 03:24 PM   #2889
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Originally Posted by Joekerr View Post
Well, if you sound BLT out phonetically, sounds a little like blot, which sounds a little like thot....but that's a leap. Can't help you.






I see you've wisely decided to consult the therapists in OT, rather than rely strictly on the subforums that some of us rarely visit if at all. Excellent decision.

So as I understand it, the situation is as follows:
When she has her kids, not really a huge issue (because you go without her), but you are rushing to work out, eat, see her, and get back to bed. But it sounds like these weeks aren't really the problem, aside from it being hectic.

When she doesn't have her kids, it takes her 3 hours to get from her work, to her place, change, and then get over to your place and then you leave for the gym. This then leaves very little time for your workout and causes you to eat late after the workout as well.

Potential solution:
Since she isn't actually at your place until 3 hours after she gets off work...and therefore has no idea where you are, have you considered the following:
Working out at your leisure immediately after work, but not telling her.
Then, since it sounds like in the past you typically wind up making dinner for her anyways most nights, make dinner as soon as you get back from working out (should still have plenty of time before she gets there), and tell her if she wants to go to the gym that late, the new policy is you have to eat before you go
Then you both go to the gym (you for the second time), but you are only there to spend time with her...which is also why she theoretically is there...and you leave when she's ready. Maybe you make her wait an extra 15 min the first week, extra 10 the next, 5 the next and so on to pare it down gradually so as not to make her ask questions.

She'd be happy and none the wiser, and you'd be working out and eating before and happy too.

This is a bandaid solution to the current problem, but you already know this lack of motivation in the long run will cause issues.

wow you're a smart man that actually sounds like a solid plan that could work for a decent while
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      01-10-2019, 04:05 PM   #2890
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quote: but not telling her
DANGER Will Robinson!!!!

I was actually assuming part of the 3 hour delay could be the curtain-climbers.


Honestly, Judy, it sounds like you are just asking us to validate your decision to end it with her.
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      01-10-2019, 04:05 PM   #2891
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I'm actually considering ending it. Here is the entire deal:

I rarely hear from her during the day. In the event that I do it's nothing important. "How's your day", "I'm tired", "It's cold" blah, blah, blah. Anything of any importance I know nothing about as she doesn't communicate well at all. She smokes weed and I do not. To further compound the issue of time management, I'm constantly waiting on her to get her things done and get to me but somehow she always finds time to get high first. Don't get me wrong, I used to smoke and still would if I could and I'm not trying to change who she is to accommodate me; but it does seem that I am forever waiting on her. Even on the nights that she comes to my place pre-workout she still manages to get to my house without being ready to get to the gym. In the 3 hours she can't change clothes first? She has time to get high first though.

Kids - I have absolutely no intention in getting close to her kids. My boys are 18 & 19 years old and do not live with me. I have complete freedom to whatever with my time. She still has at least 11 years before she is where I am with life.

Money - I'm fairly financially secure; she is not. She is constantly chasing her tail trying to figure out how to make ends meet. Also has a home that is in complete disarray. Shit is constantly breaking, needing replaced, etc. The past two weeks it's been a leaking roof and a broken HVAC system. It sucks to want to go somewhere and hear "I don't have any money" or to go shopping while she stands around and watched because she doesn't have any money. She could get a better job making more money but this means that she would have to stop smoking pot to do so. When we first got together I smoked and she didn't. She was constantly looking for another job to make more money, this has now stopped.

I never know from one day to the next what the game plan is and I am forever in a state of waiting on her to tell me. I never know until the last minute. It's as if I am just hanging out waiting on her to fill me in and she doesn't plan ahead enough to figure it out to let me know or it isn't even a thought in her mind.

She is good person, has a big heart, loves me and is committed to me but all the other aspects are greatly starting to outweigh the good.

My last relationship consisted of really connecting with that person, being deeply in love but getting cheated on. Now I'm in a relationship where I don't worry about being cheated on or lied to, but now have no real connection to the person. Dammit.
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      01-10-2019, 04:10 PM   #2892
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleWede View Post
quote: but not telling her
DANGER Will Robinson!!!!

I was actually assuming part of the 3 hour delay could be the curtain-climbers.


Honestly, Judy, it sounds like you are just asking us to validate your decision to end it with her.
Honestly, I would prefer someone to tell me I am wrong and point me in the direction of being more patient with her or shedding some pearl of wisdom as to what may be going on with her to make me feel not quite so selfish. However, for the first time in my life; I am in control of my finances, time and generally everything. It makes me feel guilty to want to do things for myself all the while watch her struggle but I'm starting to see the reason she struggles is due to her own decisions, lack of communication and time management. Again, she is a great person and I feel like a dick for being fed up with petty issues.....but I feel like my issues shouldn't be considered petty as it's my life....make sense at all?
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      01-10-2019, 04:17 PM   #2893
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Originally Posted by Not_Judy View Post
make sense at all?
Makes absolutely perfect sense. I don't see any indication this is your rash decision, I've seen it plaguing you for a while here. None of us have to live with/out her (OK, vicariously, sure) and only you can make that ultimate decision.

It's extremely cliché, but maybe you need a bit of time apart. When I had been dating my second wife for about a year, kids and a jealous dickhead of an ex who used me to put a wedge between her and the kids, I needed time apart. I came to the realization, without her there, that I WANTED her there, warts and all.

When I contacted her after the apart time, she took me back because "You left, I didn't" No guarantees in life, so just be sure that all the cons don't outweigh the pros before you cut the cord.
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      01-10-2019, 04:20 PM   #2894
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Originally Posted by UncleWede View Post
Makes absolutely perfect sense. I don't see any indication this is your rash decision, I've seen it plaguing you for a while here. None of us have to live with/out her (OK, vicariously, sure) and only you can make that ultimate decision.

It's extremely cliché, but maybe you need a bit of time apart. When I had been dating my second wife for about a year, kids and a jealous dickhead of an ex who used me to put a wedge between her and the kids, I needed time apart. I came to the realization, without her there, that I WANTED her there, warts and all.

When I contacted her after the apart time, she took me back because "You left, I didn't" No guarantees in life, so just be sure that all the cons don't outweigh the pros before you cut the cord.
You're a wise man Wede.
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      01-10-2019, 04:24 PM   #2895
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Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke View Post
do read my edit
but: one can argue you're being selfish because youre not syncing your day with her to spend time with her etc all the disney movie lovey dovey bs. i'm saying selfish on her end - do not feel selfish at all i'd say for wanting a better lifestyle for yourself - what i meant by that was she's selfish and cares more about getting her hair done or whatever than actually respecting your time of the day that you allocated to working out
I guess this is part of my frustration as I am going out of my way to sync my day with hers. I have completely changed my schedule (aside from work) to work around her time schedule.

To me, the hair thing is not that big of an issue aside from the fact that she forgot until the last minute and then no communication after. She could have easily let me know when she would be finished or was finished but didn't. After being finished, not calling to find out where I was and assuming I was still at the gym is just weird to me. Why would a person go somewhere to meet someone 4 hours later without ensuring they are still there first? Just the complete lack of thought and effort is what is driving me nuts.
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      01-10-2019, 04:27 PM   #2896
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Stop! She is being irresponsible, rude and inconsiderate, selfish. As someone who is up at 4am and at work at 6;30, schedules and routines are important. I would not tolerate her behavior. You tell her she can work out with you but this is the schedule. You will be at gym by 6 or whatever. If she can make it work, fine. If not though, your going on your own. The late hours are screwing with your schedule, body clock, sleep patterns etc.
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      01-10-2019, 04:30 PM   #2897
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Originally Posted by cmyx6go View Post
Stop! She is being irresponsible, rude and inconsiderate, selfish. As someone who is up at 4am and at work at 6;30, schedules and routines are important. I would not tolerate her behavior. You tell her she can work out with you but this is the schedule. You will be at gym by 6 or whatever. If she can make it work, fine. If not though, your going on your own. The late hours are screwing with your schedule, body clock, sleep patterns etc.
So you don't feel that I am being selfish? I feel this way because I don't deal with small kids and I don't stay for a week at a time at her house, etc.
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      01-10-2019, 04:32 PM   #2898
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cmyx6go View Post
Stop! She is being irresponsible, rude and inconsiderate, selfish. As someone who is up at 4am and at work at 6;30, schedules and routines are important. I would not tolerate her behavior. You tell her she can work out with you but this is the schedule. You will be at gym by 6 or whatever. If she can make it work, fine. If not though, your going on your own. The late hours are screwing with your schedule, body clock, sleep patterns etc.
I second this notion.

On a side note, if you're not feeling a good connection with her they you may consider cutting her loose and finding someone who you really click with.
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      01-10-2019, 04:33 PM   #2899
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleWede View Post
quote: but not telling her
DANGER Will Robinson!!!!

I was actually assuming part of the 3 hour delay could be the curtain-climbers.


Honestly, Judy, it sounds like you are just asking us to validate your decision to end it with her.
I agree with this... I didn't want to say this outright but yeah that's the vibe im getting too....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Not_Judy View Post
Honestly, I would prefer someone to tell me I am wrong and point me in the direction of being more patient with her or shedding some pearl of wisdom as to what may be going on with her to make me feel not quite so selfish. However, for the first time in my life; I am in control of my finances, time and generally everything. It makes me feel guilty to want to do things for myself all the while watch her struggle but I'm starting to see the reason she struggles is due to her own decisions, lack of communication and time management. Again, she is a great person and I feel like a dick for being fed up with petty issues.....but I feel like my issues shouldn't be considered petty as it's my life....make sense at all?
I wouldn't call this being selfish dude, you're literally doing what you want to do and that's completely fine.

The issue is - she isn't on board with what you want to do. Now yes I'm sure we can be pedantic about it and be like relationships are a two way street etc etc but at the end of the day I feel like the things you want to do are objectively good things, like getting in better shape, living in a clean and tidy place and whatnot.

Now of course we all have differing definitions of conscience and ethics, but I feel like you've put in enough work and not much (if anything) has changed....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Not_Judy View Post
I guess this is part of my frustration as I am going out of my way to sync my day with hers. I have completely changed my schedule (aside from work) to work around her time schedule.

To me, the hair thing is not that big of an issue aside from the fact that she forgot until the last minute and then no communication after. She could have easily let me know when she would be finished or was finished but didn't. After being finished, not calling to find out where I was and assuming I was still at the gym is just weird to me. Why would a person go somewhere to meet someone 4 hours later without ensuring they are still there first? Just the complete lack of thought and effort is what is driving me nuts.
this is going to be harsh: but why change your plans when she doesn't put in the effort/respect to see you in the limited time you have? you go to work early which means you need to go to bed early...


i feel like the writing is on the wall
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      01-10-2019, 04:41 PM   #2900
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Not_Judy View Post
So you don't feel that I am being selfish? I feel this way because I don't deal with small kids and I don't stay for a week at a time at her house, etc.
Fuck no! I’d flip if someone made me wait 4 hours. She is selfish. I’m the first person to try and compromise and work with someone else’s schedule and make it work but if she doesn’t communicate for 4 hours and thinks you should be waiting? Bullshit. But she has time to get high? And a 4:00 hair appt doesn’t go till 9:00. Sure, things come up and you get delayed but if someone is waiting for you, you communicate. You also make the oerson waiting the priority. She doesn’t seem concerned you’re home waitin 3 hours for her to show up. YOU should be her priority when she doesn’t have her kids.
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      01-10-2019, 04:41 PM   #2901
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Originally Posted by Not_Judy View Post
I'm actually considering ending it. Here is the entire deal:

I rarely hear from her during the day. In the event that I do it's nothing important. "How's your day", "I'm tired", "It's cold" blah, blah, blah. Anything of any importance I know nothing about as she doesn't communicate well at all. She smokes weed and I do not. To further compound the issue of time management, I'm constantly waiting on her to get her things done and get to me but somehow she always finds time to get high first. Don't get me wrong, I used to smoke and still would if I could and I'm not trying to change who she is to accommodate me; but it does seem that I am forever waiting on her. Even on the nights that she comes to my place pre-workout she still manages to get to my house without being ready to get to the gym. In the 3 hours she can't change clothes first? She has time to get high first though.

Kids - I have absolutely no intention in getting close to her kids. My boys are 18 & 19 years old and do not live with me. I have complete freedom to whatever with my time. She still has at least 11 years before she is where I am with life.

Money - I'm fairly financially secure; she is not. She is constantly chasing her tail trying to figure out how to make ends meet. Also has a home that is in complete disarray. Shit is constantly breaking, needing replaced, etc. The past two weeks it's been a leaking roof and a broken HVAC system. It sucks to want to go somewhere and hear "I don't have any money" or to go shopping while she stands around and watched because she doesn't have any money. She could get a better job making more money but this means that she would have to stop smoking pot to do so. When we first got together I smoked and she didn't. She was constantly looking for another job to make more money, this has now stopped.

I never know from one day to the next what the game plan is and I am forever in a state of waiting on her to tell me. I never know until the last minute. It's as if I am just hanging out waiting on her to fill me in and she doesn't plan ahead enough to figure it out to let me know or it isn't even a thought in her mind.

She is good person, has a big heart, loves me and is committed to me but all the other aspects are greatly starting to outweigh the good.

My last relationship consisted of really connecting with that person, being deeply in love but getting cheated on. Now I'm in a relationship where I don't worry about being cheated on or lied to, but now have no real connection to the person. Dammit.
this is the main post i wanted to quote and this might be a long read but bear with me.
1- my time is valuable is my attitude towards a lot of things, if i waste it i waste it, if i am productive with it i'm productive with it. no one to blame/praise for what i do with my time.
2- call me old timey or too non-western/non-americanized but i feel like picking up smoking pot after college especially when you start working isn't really a good thing
3- you say you change your plans/schedule around to make time for her, for whatever reason she doesn't portray the respect/decency to do that for you and just assumes you are able to make days longer than 24 hours (if you know how do tell)
4- i just realized i'm probably only a couple months older than your older son, wow: clearly you've been through two boys and their teenage years you most understandably don't want to deal with that anymore
5- the lack of and the decrease of ambition is imo the most concerning thing of all this list. like lack, sure some people just don't have it but the fact that she got used to the "comfort" of being in this state is something i would never, ever tolerate. not tryna get into my family issues here but i'm amazed how my dad is still with my mom after all these years, they aren't much older than you either
6- as wede said and i bolded in the last post i think we all know what's bound to happen, im an impulsive person usually but i go through a similar process of "deliberating with the boys" when it comes to serious stuff like this and generally speaking what you have in mind starting the deliberation is what we all agree on by the time we're done....

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Originally Posted by Not_Judy View Post
So you don't feel that I am being selfish? I feel this way because I don't deal with small kids and I don't stay for a week at a time at her house, etc.
I don't think you're being selfish at all, we all have bounds. You don't like small kids, I don't like going to the movies etc really don't think this is you being selfish to the point that it's detrimental to her it's just you not doing something you like which is how it should be in my opinion
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      01-10-2019, 04:52 PM   #2902
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Honestly, I would prefer someone to tell me I am wrong and point me in the direction of being more patient with her or shedding some pearl of wisdom as to what may be going on with her to make me feel not quite so selfish. However, for the first time in my life; I am in control of my finances, time and generally everything. It makes me feel guilty to want to do things for myself all the while watch her struggle but I'm starting to see the reason she struggles is due to her own decisions, lack of communication and time management. Again, she is a great person and I feel like a dick for being fed up with petty issues.....but I feel like my issues shouldn't be considered petty as it's my life....make sense at all?
Forgive me for being a lurker in other forums for the most part, but I read through a bunch of this thread today, and wanted to chime in.

It sounds to me like this gal treats you well when she wants, but prioritizes basically everything else in her life, even with the minimal attention she seems to give to most of it.

She smokes weed before doing things with you, and blows you off to smoke... I was in this situation, where the girl I was dating would do this to me, be hours late for plans, meet me, and proceed to go meet people to buy, or sell, or smoke, instead of doing what we had planned on etc. Frustrated me to no end, and killed her ability to focus on anything other than weed. Pretty sure she really didn't care when we split up, as she kept the habit up, and unfortunately got worse mentally.

She somehow takes hours to get from work to your place or the gym, which begs the simple question, why can't either of you pack a bag and go straight to the gym, change there, lock your stuff up, and work out? If she is unwilling to do this, why? I would suggest just getting into your groove on the gym thing, and either she follows suit or does not, and I bet she does not. If she isn't willing to sort her shit out and do that for you, to give both of you more quality time after the gym, that's another red flag.

Her home situation sounds like it stresses you immensely, between the kids, the state of cleanliness (or lack thereof) and general disrepair and lack of ability to maintain it. You have had plenty of advice on the kid situation, and if she is so lax on the discipline, and gets mad at any amount of emotion from you about it after 2.5 years, another huge red flag, it is NOT going to get better. If being in her home gives you anxiety, and she is so flippant about it, just shows more lack of drive to make her life a compatible situation for you, and you allowing her to escape to your place when her kids are not there enables it to continue.

In cliff notes, sounds like she disrespects you, and is comfortable doing so since she is nice and gives you good sex when you initiate. Everything else is using you, and honestly driving you away. The choice looks clear to an outsider.

Granted, I am 40, separated, had lived with my wife for 7 years before we got married, and was married 5 years before we got separated. I now live 2000 miles and a country away from her, had to live with family while I started my life over, have a new job, trying to date in a totally unfamiliar era, etc etc.
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      01-10-2019, 04:55 PM   #2903
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Jody, I had something more written out but I accidentally closed my browser.

Anyways, you are not being selfish at all, she definitely is, even if she isn't necessarily meaning to be(some people are just like this, in their own world all the time). With her being so inconsiderate of your time ALL of the time, I can see how you are annoyed with her lately. The main thing I see as you see also, is you guys need to communicate better. And I don't just mean about things going on during the day or your plans, but maybe about your feelings/how the relationship is going and what needs to be done/fixed if you both want it to last. But I know that's kind of hard since you said you already know this won't last forever since you are both in different places and have different plans for life?
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      01-10-2019, 04:56 PM   #2904
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@Not_Judy
Differences in money and time management and the fact that she does drugs and you don't seem to be big enough factors to end it, in my opinion.
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