[Germanauto]

I foolishy got back with my ex and had to break up with her again, hurting her twice in the process. I'm 29 and she's 34. I'm not ready for marriage/children and I my conscience wouldn't allow me to continue stringing her along emotionally and wasting her time. I'm in Medicine and doing my Residency, so haven't even had my first real job yet and figured out what I want out of life.

If I stayed with this lady, it puts a lot of pressure on me internally to tie things down really quickly. She's not pushing me into marriage/children, but when a lady is 34 these things have to be on an expedited path. Also, given the exploding cost of living especially here in Los Angeles, I'll admit that her $100k salary just didn't seem enough to me for the lifestyle I always expected for myself. Clearly, fear of true commitment was an issue here

Somebody enlighten me here, have I been a gigantic asshole? Is it wrong to consider money? Is my thought process totally f'ed up and i need to mature? She loved me dearly and I think I love her too. No woman has ever respected me like this or been as accommodating and kind to me. However the practical side of my mind just wouldn't leave me alone here. Love is one component to a relationship, but for a lifelong marriage I don't feel it's wise to ignore the practical side of things.

Somebody talk sense into me. My greatest fear is that she could be "the one who got away" and it would all be of my doing.

[m630]

I’ll just say if the main reason you broke up was due to what she makes, I’d take another long look in the mirror. If you have an expectation on what your lifestyle should be, it’s up to you to make it happen and not any potential partner. I would look at anything she brings to the table as a bonus, and most would likely think you’re insane to break up with a partner that ‘only’ made 100k and met all of your other needs/desires….You’re in medicine so I assume you’ll likely make a respectable income, why would you ever need to worry about what she makes? It’s all gravy if youre any type of competent Dr. I’m not saying to rush into a family situation when you have a ways to go, but if she’s not pushing and you have everything you’d want in a partner, how could money come into the equation at all?

[Germanauto]

Originally Posted by m630

I’ll just say if the main reason you broke up was due to what she makes, I’d take another long look in the mirror. If you have an expectation on what your lifestyle should be, it’s up to you to make it happen and not any potential partner. I would look at anything she brings to the table as a bonus, and most would likely think you’re insane to break up with a partner that ‘only’ made 100k and met all of your other needs/desires….You’re in medicine so I assume you’ll likely make a respectable income, why would you ever need to worry about what she makes? It’s all gravy if youre any type of competent Dr. I’m not saying to rush into a family situation when you have a ways to go, but if she’s not pushing and you have everything you’d want in a partner, how could money come into the equation at all?

I'd say the main factor is age, but what you're saying is certainly true.

I will say however, that the outrageous COL is something I [as a youngish millennial] am really feeling the squeeze of. The principal alone on my med school loan is $300k. And a household income of say $400-450k nowadays in LA does not go far when children come into the picture. A decent home just seems unattainable these days. Clearly, if I really loved her, this wouldn't matter. I'd be willing to just make it work here or move someplace cheaper with her if it mattered that much.

Clearly I have some maturing to do and reassessment of my priorities in life. While I'm figuring this out, I think it would have been unfair to string her along for the ride.

[Tambohamilton]

Originally Posted by Germanauto

I foolishy got back with my ex and had to break up with her again, hurting her twice in the process. I'm 29 and she's 34. I'm not ready for marriage/children and I my conscience wouldn't allow me to continue stringing her along emotionally and wasting her time. I'm in Medicine and doing my Residency, so haven't even had my first real job yet and figured out what I want out of life.

If I stayed with this lady, it puts a lot of pressure on me internally to tie things down really quickly. She's not pushing me into marriage/children, but when a lady is 34 these things have to be on an expedited path. Also, given the exploding cost of living especially here in Los Angeles, I'll admit that her $100k salary just didn't seem enough to me for the lifestyle I always expected for myself. Clearly, fear of true commitment was an issue here

Somebody enlighten me here, have I been a gigantic asshole? Is it wrong to consider money? Is my thought process totally f'ed up and i need to mature? She loved me dearly and I think I love her too. No woman has ever respected me like this or been as accommodating and kind to me. However the practical side of my mind just wouldn't leave me alone here. Love is one component to a relationship, but for a lifelong marriage I don't feel it's wise to ignore the practical side of things.

Somebody talk sense into me. My greatest fear is that she could be "the one who got away" and it would all be of my doing.

If you have someone who makes you happy, what's the problem? You've fabricated the bit about age and kids. Do you think you'll be happier with someone you don't love, because you can drive a Ferrari to work? Or because your house has a swimming pool in the basement?

Get a grip man.

YMMV

[ryan stewart]

I cant judge too much for being concerned about a mismatch in wages, it created a bit of an issue with the previous relationship because I was basically the caretaker (she was employed but made a fraction of what I did).

Given now everyone is equals it can create tension if its not handled right. We would get into spats about spending money I saw as wasteful, etc. Her response would be "well its MY money being wasted" but then Id look around at the house, cars, travel budget, all the food, etc and see that it was MY money keeping the lights on so she could waste hers. I tried to get her on board with a common budget, agreed upon spending, etc but she just couldn't do it. Unless you are both on the SAME PAGE about it there are going to be problems.

To a lesser extent its a concern with the current girl Im dating too. Its closer though, if you include all the shit she expenses and whatnot her "income" is more like 60-70% of mine. But she has always maintained the same lifestyle so she doesnt have much in the way of a nest egg, which worries me. I worry we can end up in the same situation where she is like "we should buy the house we dont actually need, WE have the money." No, I saved all of that up for a reason: To die eating steak on the equator when Im 90, not in a cold apartment eating cat food.

The kids though, yeah. You need to decide for yourself STAT and stick with it, tell her your stance and if she lies to herself then thats on her. I have been finding a lot more women who at least say they are fine without kids.

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by Germanauto

She loved me dearly and I think I love her too. No woman has ever respected me like this or been as accommodating and kind to me.

If the above is true, you might be making a mistake in a world where everyone is all about themselves. Having someone who actually respects you, supports your purpose, and cares for you is hard to find. Salary, cost of living, etc, is all negotiable in the grand scheme of things.

[Alfisti]

Not ready for marriage or children at 29? Mate got news for you, you're either wanting to get married and have kids or you are already too late. By the time you meet someone and fire out the first sprog, it's a solid 3 years, you'd be nudging your mid 30's having your first assuming all goes well and baby arrives first shot. You're already too old.

I had my first at 35 and it is too old, kid turns 10 and you're nudging 50 struggling to put up with kids being kids.

Shit or get off the pot people.

[Alfisti]

Originally Posted by ryan stewart

I tried to get her on board with a common budget, agreed upon spending, etc but she just couldn't do it. Unless you are both on the SAME PAGE about it there are going to be problems.

THis can still be an issue regardless of income. My mrs makes considerably more than me, we have always pooled our finances (I can to the marriage with money saved up) but we clash constantly as i think she wastes a lot of money and she thinks I nit pick. I'd estimate she wastes a solid $1K a month on shit we don't need or just plain excess like buying the kids two pairs of the same shoe "just in case" when they grow out of them in 6 months.

[nyalpine90]

Originally Posted by Germanauto

I foolishy got back with my ex and had to break up with her again, hurting her twice in the process. I'm 29 and she's 34. I'm not ready for marriage/children and I my conscience wouldn't allow me to continue stringing her along emotionally and wasting her time. I'm in Medicine and doing my Residency, so haven't even had my first real job yet and figured out what I want out of life.

If I stayed with this lady, it puts a lot of pressure on me internally to tie things down really quickly. She's not pushing me into marriage/children, but when a lady is 34 these things have to be on an expedited path. Also, given the exploding cost of living especially here in Los Angeles, I'll admit that her $100k salary just didn't seem enough to me for the lifestyle I always expected for myself. Clearly, fear of true commitment was an issue here

Somebody enlighten me here, have I been a gigantic asshole? Is it wrong to consider money? Is my thought process totally f'ed up and i need to mature? She loved me dearly and I think I love her too. No woman has ever respected me like this or been as accommodating and kind to me. However the practical side of my mind just wouldn't leave me alone here. Love is one component to a relationship, but for a lifelong marriage I don't feel it's wise to ignore the practical side of things.

Somebody talk sense into me. My greatest fear is that she could be "the one who got away" and it would all be of my doing.

everyone on this thread is looking for right woman/man that would love them unconditionally, accepts them by who they are.
Here you are throwing it away, making assumptions because of her age.

[Chihuahua]

Originally Posted by Germanauto

Somebody talk sense into me. My greatest fear is that she could be "the one who got away" and it would all be of my doing.

I experienced 'the one that got away', and it has haunted me daily for the past 19 years. Feel free to PM me if you want the full story. Don't fuck this up my friend.

[UncleWede]

Germanauto why are you talking to US, instead of HER??? You don't KNOW if she wants marriage/kids, then you need to have that discussion.

For what it's worth, I might disagree with Alfisti on the age. I had my first at 33. I don't play computer games with him now, but I was in a much more secure place to be a Father since my life/career were well-established when he came along. So I could go to practice/be coach, see all the games, and still keep up with him physically. It was just those first year or two of sleep-deprivation, but if you are an intern, you got that down already.

#whippersnapers

[shoei]

Originally Posted by Germanauto

I foolishy got back with my ex and had to break up with her again, hurting her twice in the process. I'm 29 and she's 34. I'm not ready for marriage/children and I my conscience wouldn't allow me to continue stringing her along emotionally and wasting her time. I'm in Medicine and doing my Residency, so haven't even had my first real job yet and figured out what I want out of life.

If I stayed with this lady, it puts a lot of pressure on me internally to tie things down really quickly. She's not pushing me into marriage/children, but when a lady is 34 these things have to be on an expedited path. Also, given the exploding cost of living especially here in Los Angeles, I'll admit that her $100k salary just didn't seem enough to me for the lifestyle I always expected for myself. Clearly, fear of true commitment was an issue here

Somebody enlighten me here, have I been a gigantic asshole? Is it wrong to consider money? Is my thought process totally f'ed up and i need to mature? She loved me dearly and I think I love her too. No woman has ever respected me like this or been as accommodating and kind to me. However the practical side of my mind just wouldn't leave me alone here. Love is one component to a relationship, but for a lifelong marriage I don't feel it's wise to ignore the practical side of things.

Somebody talk sense into me. My greatest fear is that she could be "the one who got away" and it would all be of my doing.

I think you made the right choice. You aren't ready so staying with her would be selfish. 100K salary is nothing to thumb your nose at either btw, regardless if it's here in Los Angeles. Still well above the median.

But you said you think you love her. How no woman has treated you like she does. Yada yada yada. There's nothing that you have said in all the paragraphs about how she makes you feel. Cuz you're selfish and quite possibly best to be alone until you figure your shit out so you stop causing damage. There's nothing wrong with being alone, there's no shame in it. Figure yourself out and figure out exactly what it is you want and then proceed. You basically are looking for a Kardashian. Looks, glitz glamor wealth. Good thing you're in LA - you might run into one of them. Except, they've dated people who made less then them. Hmmm, food for thought.

[DocL]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Not ready for marriage or children at 29? Mate got news for you, you're either wanting to get married and have kids or you are already too late. By the time you meet someone and fire out the first sprog, it's a solid 3 years, you'd be nudging your mid 30's having your first assuming all goes well and baby arrives first shot. You're already too old.

I had my first at 35 and it is too old, kid turns 10 and you're nudging 50 struggling to put up with kids being kids.

Shit or get off the pot people.

You were still a kid when you had your first child. I was 45 and my wife was 41 when we had our twins. I'll be 55 this year and she's 51. The only issue is I have very little in common with the younger parents of my kids friends. But there are a few that are around the same age as me.

To the OP. If you are using the excuse of holding her back not having kids, then there is something else. I too was in school for a very long time, and so was my wife. We dated for a few years and then had our twins two years into our marriage. The benefit was we were able to travel and do what ever we wanted. Now with kids, man, it's a chore just getting them to school in the morning.

[Watching The World Burn]

Originally Posted by Germanauto

I foolishy got back with my ex and had to break up with her again, hurting her twice in the process. I'm 29 and she's 34. I'm not ready for marriage/children and I my conscience wouldn't allow me to continue stringing her along emotionally and wasting her time. I'm in Medicine and doing my Residency, so haven't even had my first real job yet and figured out what I want out of life.

If I stayed with this lady, it puts a lot of pressure on me internally to tie things down really quickly. She's not pushing me into marriage/children, but when a lady is 34 these things have to be on an expedited path. Also, given the exploding cost of living especially here in Los Angeles, I'll admit that her $100k salary just didn't seem enough to me for the lifestyle I always expected for myself. Clearly, fear of true commitment was an issue here

Somebody enlighten me here, have I been a gigantic asshole? Is it wrong to consider money? Is my thought process totally f'ed up and i need to mature? She loved me dearly and I think I love her too. No woman has ever respected me like this or been as accommodating and kind to me. However the practical side of my mind just wouldn't leave me alone here. Love is one component to a relationship, but for a lifelong marriage I don't feel it's wise to ignore the practical side of things.

Somebody talk sense into me. My greatest fear is that she could be "the one who got away" and it would all be of my doing.

Are you a cardiologist / going through for cardiology by chance? Though I suppose I could see you fitting into vascular / radiology too.

[Kowalski2011]

When I was dating my now current wife I was invited to a family 'meet and greet' on her side. I'm game, so during dinner and small talk somehow it came up that I drive a BMW. My wife's sister says (with inflection) 'Oh! Your one of those!'

OK OK I thought. I danced around that one somehow stating that I had respect for the engineering and drive-ability or some crap like that. But in my mind I thought 'Who the fuck are you? You don't know me.' Turned out she had just moved back to the mid-west from San Diego where she commuted the 5 daily. Ahhh! It's starting to make sense now. Also, she drives a Volvo.

It was never mentioned again, though things were pretty icy with her for quite a while. Thank goodness that her and my wife are nothing alike!

[Kowalski2011]

Sorry no advice in my previous post, but when I was 19 a very wise women told me that it is just as important to be the right person as it is to find the right person.

[G MONEY]

Originally Posted by Germanauto

I foolishy got back with my ex and had to break up with her again, hurting her twice in the process. I'm 29 and she's 34. I'm not ready for marriage/children and I my conscience wouldn't allow me to continue stringing her along emotionally and wasting her time. I'm in Medicine and doing my Residency, so haven't even had my first real job yet and figured out what I want out of life.

If I stayed with this lady, it puts a lot of pressure on me internally to tie things down really quickly. She's not pushing me into marriage/children, but when a lady is 34 these things have to be on an expedited path. Also, given the exploding cost of living especially here in Los Angeles, I'll admit that her $100k salary just didn't seem enough to me for the lifestyle I always expected for myself. Clearly, fear of true commitment was an issue here

Somebody enlighten me here, have I been a gigantic asshole? Is it wrong to consider money? Is my thought process totally f'ed up and i need to mature? She loved me dearly and I think I love her too. No woman has ever respected me like this or been as accommodating and kind to me. However the practical side of my mind just wouldn't leave me alone here. Love is one component to a relationship, but for a lifelong marriage I don't feel it's wise to ignore the practical side of things.

Somebody talk sense into me. My greatest fear is that she could be "the one who got away" and it would all be of my doing.

You sound like a douche. No offense. To not stay cause she only makes a 100 K? Lol. You in school. She could be with someone making real money and not with you. She will probably find someone making real bank and never think of you anyway. Good luck homie

[Germanauto]

Thanks everybody for chiming in, I didn't expect so many responses. I definitely have some reevaluating to do of my priorities and self-reflection to do and what not. Appreciate it.

[Germanauto]

Originally Posted by G MONEY

You sound like a douche. No offense. To not stay cause she only makes a 100 K? Lol. You in school. She could be with someone making real money and not with you. She will probably find someone making real bank and never think of you anyway. Good luck homie

None taken. Clearly I'm pretty selfish. But at least I'm willing to reflect on the potential err of my ways and let her find a man who will not be so shallow and commit to her. I hope she does find a great guy and forget about me.

And as I mentioned, it's more about age difference/timeline than money. I've always wanted two kids, so I'd be feeling a ton of internal pressure from that standpoint.

[G MONEY]

Originally Posted by Germanauto

None taken. Clearly I'm pretty selfish. But at least I'm willing to reflect on the potential err of my ways and let her find a man who will not be so shallow and commit to her.

And as I mentioned, it's more about age difference/timeline than money. I've always wanted two kids, so I'd be feeling a ton of internal pressure from that standpoint.

I hear you. Just grab a 23 year old.

[shoei]

Originally Posted by G MONEY

You sound like a douche. No offense. To not stay cause she only makes a 100 K? Lol. You in school. She could be with someone making real money and not with you. She will probably find someone making real bank and never think of you anyway. Good luck homie

Shit. It's worse than you thought.

G-Money of all people called you a douche.

[G MONEY]

Originally Posted by shoei

Shit. It's worse than you thought.

G-Money of all people called you a douche.

My biggest fan