[rebekahb]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

And the past is...the past. You both have one. We all do. We're not 15 any more. Focus forward, not backwards.

I think for some people it's very easy to do this and I for one admire people who can let shit go easily. I feel like relationships of any form could cut out 3/4 of the bs if they followed this.

King Rudi it sounds like she has some buried shit she's never dealt with and the stress you mentioned has possibly exacerbated it. Also, it's not of any help that she can't recognize and own it. You can't make anyone happy until they deal with whatever they are wrestling with inside. I think at this point it sounds like you have to decide whether or not you want to continue to ride that train. The one thing you shouldn't do is concede to her inability to own her shit. Her actions will continue and you will just end up on a hamster wheel of fights that are truly a waste of time.

[longm1985]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

And the past is...the past. You both have one. We all do. We're not 15 any more. Focus forward, not backwards.

Holy crap is this true. Draw from it to make better decisions moving forward, but don't dwell on it.

Thanks to all my mental health issues, I have such a bad memory that many chunks of my past are gone and if my wife has done anything really that bad I have no recollection of it. I'm sure she appreciates this.

[CTinline-six]

I am an asshole.



Seriously though, I hope things get better.

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

WWLD

What would lups do.

Lups the kingdom of our king appears to be under attack. Should he draw the bridge and add more alligators to the moat.

Lups is actually a man, so I doubt this will help.

[andrewmr]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

Shit, at this point I'd be happy just to be able to have a conversation with the girlfriend that doesn't end an argument. We have entered troubled waters and trying to fix things. Advise is, as always, appreciated.

Back story, everything was great until last weekend. We ran into some issues that weren't really issues, but the handling of said non-issues created massive issues. As of now, we officially broke up last Sunday. We have talked and drove each other insane for over a week now. It's crazy how quickly shit gets out of hand, over nothing.

I'm betting it's not "nothing" to her.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by JP10

Time and space. If you both feel the same everything will work out eventually. Hakuna Matata.

I agree and disagree with this. I think it depends on the persons in said relationship. I've seen this work and go horribly awry. I believe it goes back to communication in order for this to work. Crossed wires, time and space can wreak havoc for some. thank you for the words sir. I think we are on the mend.

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

The magic words: I'm not like that baby I'm different.
Or: I'm not going anywhere.

As for these 338 pages and counting. There are many dicks out there in the world and you don't sound like the cactus! I reckon this has been a useful thread to many whether they own up or not.

People sometimes get hurt in love but you gotta try. What if she doesn't get hurt. What if it's all wine and roses. Any time you have a crappy thought find the opposite.

If it's meant to be it will be.

My only thought on the first comments of "Baby, I'm different" everyone says that.....everyone. I'm about as polar opposite of most people that you can imagine. By this rational, I don't draw attention to what makes me different. Those that know me see it without self proclamation. I appreciate your kind words. I know how we feel about each other and we all run into rough patches. Aside from some shitty things being said on both sides, out of frustration, nothing major has happened to deem this unresolvable. We'll continue to do what we do, make some slight adjustments out of consideration for the other and see how things work from there.

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

It's noble and admirable and endearing to admit your shortcomings and missteps. I aspire to have the humility to own my failings. We're all inspired by someone who "fesses-up" and comes clean. Humility is so becoming.

But recognize that there's a difference between accepting your contribution to "the shit" and accepting sole or primary blame for "the shit" because the other person isn't ready to own their share of it.

And the past is...the past. You both have one. We all do. We're not 15 any more. Focus forward, not backwards.

I tend to live my life by the mentality that if I don't want people throwing stones, not to give them the stones; in the same mindset, I give so many stones that it's pointless throwing them. I call myself out on my own mistakes and I'm very transparent. Most people don't know how to take me. I'd rather be honest about something and upfront, so that people can't talk shit. I own it. This is also a dangerous personality to have if your heart or mind isn't right.

As for the acceptance of and primary blame of "the shit", this is the battle that we have been fighting. She was displaying no signs of empathy. She was upset about how she feels, but couldn't see mine. This was a struggle. I feel like I finally succeeded here as she gave me a genuine, heart-felt apology last night. Progression was made. Thank you for the advice!

Originally Posted by rebekahb

I think for some people it's very easy to do this and I for one admire people who can let shit go easily. I feel like relationships of any form could cut out 3/4 of the bs if they followed this.

King Rudi it sounds like she has some buried shit she's never dealt with and the stress you mentioned has possibly exacerbated it. Also, it's not of any help that she can't recognize and own it. You can't make anyone happy until they deal with whatever they are wrestling with inside. I think at this point it sounds like you have to decide whether or not you want to continue to ride that train. The one thing you shouldn't do is concede to her inability to own her shit. Her actions will continue and you will just end up on a hamster wheel of fights that are truly a waste of time.

Thank you. This is exactly how I feel about the entire situation. I actually mentioned this to a close friend, a few days ago. Oddly enough, she has some insecurities that she wrestles with. I say "oddly enough" because most would look at her and try to figure out how she could be insecure. She is gorgeous and has a body that I only see online or in magazines. She is a great person all around, but those insecurities, and trying to keep them hidden, is what is keeping her withdrawn to a degree. These are the things that I feel like either make or break a relationship. A person could give me no reason not to trust them, but still have some shady vibes being projected, simply over not wanting to be embarrassed. Embarrassment and humility are very important in all relationships. We've been together for 4 1/2 years and I still haven't heard her fart. I respect this and question it at the same time, if that makes sense.

I think that working on, whatever she has suppressed, together will create more trust between the two of us and allow her to become more open/vulnerable. If this doesn't change, regardless of anything else that are positives in our relationship, I'll have to walk away. I'm a catch, not a convenience. I'm also not conceited, I just know my value/worth.

Thank you Rebekah.

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

WWLD

What would lups do.

Lups the kingdom of our king appears to be under attack. Should he draw the bridge and add more alligators to the moat.

This shit is about to get interesting.....and fast. Lups drop some pearls of wisdom for me. I feel like Lups should be a life coach.

Originally Posted by CTinline-six

I am an asshole.



Seriously though, I hope things get better.

I always say that I'm an asshole, but only because I'm a typical type A. I speak fast, I walk fast, I'm direct and to the point. This instantly makes people think you are an asshole. In reality, I spend more time considering other people and basically trying to get my shit done without being in their way. I'm this way because this is how I wish other people were toward me.

Thank you good sir.

Originally Posted by andrewmr

[/B]

I'm betting it's not "nothing" to her.

She admitted to how stupid the entire situation was. What made her upset, aside from whatever insecurity that she has suppressed (if we're being real here), was my reaction to her not being forthcoming with information that could be detrimental to our relationship. That was, in fact, something to her. In her defense, she isn't wrong. I'm a scorpio and we aren't known for being easy people to deal with, once we feel like we've been slighted. She is justified in her feelings based off how I reacted, yet; my reaction was completely justified based off her withholding of information......or so I feel.


In closing, thank you to all for replying. I greatly appreciate it. As of last night, make up sex has ensued.....and not that vanilla shit either. We have reached an acceptable outlet to vent frustrations that is mutually agreed upon by both parties.

[Tommy-G]

Bad:
Used to work at a BMW dealer and every Friday we (me, mechanics & service advisors) would hit this strip club for happy hour. I fell for a shot girl and we started hanging out. My friend & a few techs were going to the Bahamas for a trip and she was super interested in details b/c she had never been out of the US. I offered to loan her the money as it was a week away. We went and she ended up snorting lines all weekend with one of the other girls and I never even got to touch her tiddies. I never asked for my money nor called her again.

Good:
Just got out of a 4 yr relationship and had to travel to Vegas for a BMW conference. My first trip to Vegas and I was mentally a wreck. A friend told me the hot clubs but I had no desire to go out. As we landed (at night) I immediately got wood seeing all the lights and glitz, instantly forgetting about my ex.
We checked in to the Venettian, changed and immediately hit the strip. Rolled into Rum Jungle about midnight and after 6 Long Islands started chatting with some girl.
got her number and asked her to dinner the next night and the night after. We stayed at Studio 54 until 3am and she hopped a flight at 5am home.
We talked for a month and I had to see her again. We met again in Miami for a vacation and months later she moved to NJ with me. We got married in 2007 and have been together 16yrs

(left a lot out b/c no one reads long stories)

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by TommyG-inFlaNow

Good:
Just got out of a 4 yr relationship and had to travel to Vegas for a BMW conference. My first trip to Vegas and I was mentally a wreck. A friend told me the hot clubs but I had no desire to go out. As we landed (at night) I immediately got wood seeing all the lights and glitz, instantly forgetting about my ex.
We checked in to the Venettian, changed and immediately hit the strip. Rolled into Rum Jungle about midnight and after 6 Long Islands started chatting with some girl.
got her number and asked her to dinner the next night and the night after. We stayed at Studio 54 until 3am and she hopped a flight at 5am home.
We talked for a month and I had to see her again. We met again in Miami for a vacation and months later she moved to NJ with me. We got married in 2007 and have been together 16yrs

(left a lot out b/c no one reads long stories)

That's a great story sir! (BTW, we read long stories in here)

[Tommy-G]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

That's a great story sir! (BTW, we read long stories in here)

Thanks...I dont read long stories, so I assumed no one does

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

And the past is...the past. You both have one. We all do. We're not 15 any more. Focus forward, not backwards.

This is big.

You're both adults, communication makes or breaks relationships with me. If I have an argument with someone and ask them what is wrong and they repeatedly say "nothing" they are either unsure of their own feelings, or they are hiding something, both are bad. Communicate what's bothering you, that's what adults do.

If your past is an issue for her, she needs to communicate that. She may never be able to accept it, and unfortunately that will be the end of your relationship. Rightfully so, because you don't want to be with someone who will constantly hold something over your head that you can't change the entire time you are together, it will never improve if they do so. There's always the stereotype that women don't communicate their thoughts and men struggle to understand what they are thinking, but it's not true for everyone. Not all people are crazy, and many times men do the same thing.

You have reached a breaking point in your relationship. You either need to fix it or move on. If she wants to keep you, she needs to overcome her feelings toward your past and accept you. Otherwise, it's time to move on. Relationships have challenges, but life is too short to be unhappy if that ends up really being the case. The first step to fixing anything is acknowledging there is a problem, if she keeps denying anything is wrong, you won't get anywhere no matter what you try.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by CTinline-six

This is big.

You're both adults, communication makes or breaks relationships with me. If I have an argument with someone and ask them what is wrong and they repeatedly say "nothing" they are either unsure of their own feelings, or they are hiding something, both are bad. Communicate what's bothering you, that's what adults do.

If your past is an issue for her, she needs to communicate that. She may never be able to accept it, and unfortunately that will be the end of your relationship. Rightfully so, because you don't want to be with someone who will constantly hold something over your head that you can't change the entire time you are together, it will never improve if they do so. There's always the stereotype that women don't communicate their thoughts and men struggle to understand what they are thinking, but it's not true for everyone. Not all people are crazy, and many times men do the same thing.

You have reached a breaking point in your relationship. You either need to fix it or move on. If she wants to keep you, she needs to overcome her feelings toward your past and accept you. Otherwise, it's time to move on. Relationships have challenges, but life is too short to be unhappy if that ends up really being the case. The first step to fixing anything is acknowledging there is a problem, if she keeps denying anything is wrong, you won't get anywhere no matter what you try.

Well stated.....and accurate.

[pennsiveguy]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

I agree and disagree with this. I think it depends on the persons in said relationship. I've seen this work and go horribly awry. I believe it goes back to communication in order for this to work. Crossed wires, time and space can wreak havoc for some. thank you for the words sir. I think we are on the mend.



My only thought on the first comments of "Baby, I'm different" everyone says that.....everyone. I'm about as polar opposite of most people that you can imagine. By this rational, I don't draw attention to what makes me different. Those that know me see it without self proclamation. I appreciate your kind words. I know how we feel about each other and we all run into rough patches. Aside from some shitty things being said on both sides, out of frustration, nothing major has happened to deem this unresolvable. We'll continue to do what we do, make some slight adjustments out of consideration for the other and see how things work from there.



I tend to live my life by the mentality that if I don't want people throwing stones, not to give them the stones; in the same mindset, I give so many stones that it's pointless throwing them. I call myself out on my own mistakes and I'm very transparent. Most people don't know how to take me. I'd rather be honest about something and upfront, so that people can't talk shit. I own it. This is also a dangerous personality to have if your heart or mind isn't right.

As for the acceptance of and primary blame of "the shit", this is the battle that we have been fighting. She was displaying no signs of empathy. She was upset about how she feels, but couldn't see mine. This was a struggle. I feel like I finally succeeded here as she gave me a genuine, heart-felt apology last night. Progression was made. Thank you for the advice!



Thank you. This is exactly how I feel about the entire situation. I actually mentioned this to a close friend, a few days ago. Oddly enough, she has some insecurities that she wrestles with. I say "oddly enough" because most would look at her and try to figure out how she could be insecure. She is gorgeous and has a body that I only see online or in magazines. She is a great person all around, but those insecurities, and trying to keep them hidden, is what is keeping her withdrawn to a degree. These are the things that I feel like either make or break a relationship. A person could give me no reason not to trust them, but still have some shady vibes being projected, simply over not wanting to be embarrassed. Embarrassment and humility are very important in all relationships. We've been together for 4 1/2 years and I still haven't heard her fart. I respect this and question it at the same time, if that makes sense.

I think that working on, whatever she has suppressed, together will create more trust between the two of us and allow her to become more open/vulnerable. If this doesn't change, regardless of anything else that are positives in our relationship, I'll have to walk away. I'm a catch, not a convenience. I'm also not conceited, I just know my value/worth.

Thank you Rebekah.



This shit is about to get interesting.....and fast. Lups drop some pearls of wisdom for me. I feel like Lups should be a life coach.



I always say that I'm an asshole, but only because I'm a typical type A. I speak fast, I walk fast, I'm direct and to the point. This instantly makes people think you are an asshole. In reality, I spend more time considering other people and basically trying to get my shit done without being in their way. I'm this way because this is how I wish other people were toward me.

Thank you good sir.



She admitted to how stupid the entire situation was. What made her upset, aside from whatever insecurity that she has suppressed (if we're being real here), was my reaction to her not being forthcoming with information that could be detrimental to our relationship. That was, in fact, something to her. In her defense, she isn't wrong. I'm a scorpio and we aren't known for being easy people to deal with, once we feel like we've been slighted. She is justified in her feelings based off how I reacted, yet; my reaction was completely justified based off her withholding of information......or so I feel.


In closing, thank you to all for replying. I greatly appreciate it. As of last night, make up sex has ensued.....and not that vanilla shit either. We have reached an acceptable outlet to vent frustrations that is mutually agreed upon by both parties.

I'm so glad things turned around for you. We're here for you, one way or another.

And I'm glad that you got a heartfelt apology, because those are rare and priceless. A real apology is tough to pull off, and most people suck at them. They'll be doing great for about 10 seconds and then blow the whole thing by uttering the word "but" and then proceed to tell you why they're really not sorry, and that your car looks better with that big dent in the hood.

[pennsiveguy]

Originally Posted by CTinline-six

This is big.

You're both adults, communication makes or breaks relationships with me. If I have an argument with someone and ask them what is wrong and they repeatedly say "nothing" they are either unsure of their own feelings, or they are hiding something, both are bad. Communicate what's bothering you, that's what adults do.

If your past is an issue for her, she needs to communicate that. She may never be able to accept it, and unfortunately that will be the end of your relationship. Rightfully so, because you don't want to be with someone who will constantly hold something over your head that you can't change the entire time you are together, it will never improve if they do so. There's always the stereotype that women don't communicate their thoughts and men struggle to understand what they are thinking, but it's not true for everyone. Not all people are crazy, and many times men do the same thing.

You have reached a breaking point in your relationship. You either need to fix it or move on. If she wants to keep you, she needs to overcome her feelings toward your past and accept you. Otherwise, it's time to move on. Relationships have challenges, but life is too short to be unhappy if that ends up really being the case. The first step to fixing anything is acknowledging there is a problem, if she keeps denying anything is wrong, you won't get anywhere no matter what you try.

Very well stated. Never waste your time with someone who thinks you should feel bad about who you are. We've all done things that we're ashamed of or embarrassed by but when someone has an existential disdain for you, that's quite another thing.

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by pennsiveguy

I'm so glad things turned around for you. We're here for you, one way or another.

And I'm glad that you got a heartfelt apology, because those are rare and priceless. A real apology is tough to pull off, and most people suck at them. They'll be doing great for about 10 seconds and then blow the whole thing by uttering the word "but" and then proceed to tell you why they're really not sorry, and that your car looks better with that big dent in the hood.

[JP10]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

I agree and disagree with this. I think it depends on the persons in said relationship. I've seen this work and go horribly awry. I believe it goes back to communication in order for this to work. Crossed wires, time and space can wreak havoc for some. thank you for the words sir. I think we are on the mend.

I read through all the comments and the reason I said that is because of all the stress you said that she is dealing with. If I put myself in her shoes with that stress and 3 kids, the last thing I would want to deal with is a significant other. My fiance sounds similar to her, only likes to discuss issues on her own terms. Which I've learned to deal with over my 9 years with her. I let her come to me when she's ready, and she knows that I am always willing to talk. Now there are caveats within this. When I know she is upset, I ensure that I am on my best behavior through actions to show that I learned or am trying to get through the initial argument. Basically try to get her in a good mood prior to the talk, but again don't push her to do anything that isn't on her terms. You can't not bring it up at all though, this is ammo, she would feel that I had forgotten or it wasn't important.

You and I sound similar in the fact that we are logical through the arguments. Error number 1, logical thinking in an argument is hand and hand with belittlement - from what I've come to understand. I've come to just listen, and even when I know I can throw it back in her face I don't.

It's like walking a tight rope, but at the other end she is holding it and you can't turn around. Eventually you'll get to her, but she has the option to shake you up along the way. Hence my original comment.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by JP10

I read through all the comments and the reason I said that is because of all the stress you said that she is dealing with. If I put myself in her shoes with that stress and 3 kids, the last thing I would want to deal with is a significant other. My fiance sounds similar to her, only likes to discuss issues on her own terms. Which I've learned to deal with over my 9 years with her. I let her come to me when she's ready, and she knows that I am always willing to talk. Now there are caveats within this. When I know she is upset, I ensure that I am on my best behavior through actions to show that I learned or am trying to get through the initial argument. Basically try to get her in a good mood prior to the talk, but again don't push her to do anything that isn't on her terms. You can't not bring it up at all though, this is ammo, she would feel that I had forgotten or it wasn't important.

You and I sound similar in the fact that we are logical through the arguments. Error number 1, logical thinking in an argument is hand and hand with belittlement - from what I've come to understand. I've come to just listen, and even when I know I can throw it back in her face I don't.

It's like walking a tight rope, but at the other end she is holding it and you can't turn around. Eventually you'll get to her, but she has the option to shake you up along the way. Hence my original comment.

That makes perfect sense! Noted. Keeping my mouth shut or even my facial expressions in check, is what I need to work on the most. I'll keep this in my pocket and remember for the next time a disagreement ensues. Much appreciated my man. This is exactly why this thread exists.

I've been giving advice all through this thread. It's nice to be able to get some quality feedback in return. Thanks to all of you.

[Lups]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

I


This shit is about to get interesting.....and fast. Lups drop some pearls of wisdom for me. I feel like Lups should be a life coach.


.

Right...

How badly do you want to fuck up your life?

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Lups

Right...

How badly do you want to fuck up your life?

Fuck me up Lups. It'll be fun in the process.

[Lups]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

Fuck me up Lups. It'll be fun in the process.

I think you should know what happened to me yesterday before your request is processed.

I go to old people walks. As in, my friends and I go walk our dogs together. Sadly we all have spouses and kids, so the only time we have to do it is around 4 or 5 am. They all know me, so there hasn't been a ton of takers this week to go with me. Apparently covid is a valid excuse to avoid me too!

You see, this is budget week. I've gone through all receipts, counted every penny, calculated expenses and I blew a fuse or two when I realized our electricity bill and water bill have gone up like 25% each this year. Sounds horrible but this house is heated with electricity and with water combined they were less than 3k.

Grocery bills went down a ton, entertainment bills even more.

So there I was, at 4.30 am steaming over our absolutely overblown water bill for the year wasteful living and then I congratulated myself for cutting costs on some areas at least.

"Entertainment you say? So pornhub did the free coverage in finland too?"

There i was, on a potato field waiting for our dogs to shit while ranting about how bad my annual charts are looking and I got made fun of by the only person who still talks to me during my financial crisis week of the year.

In about 20 minutes I had like 20 awesome comebacks ready, sadly in the moment, all I did was wallow on self pity cuz I had already spent money on his Christmas gift.

I'm really bad with people

[Dang3r]

Originally Posted by Lups

Sounds horrible but this house is heated with electricity and with water combined they were less than 3k.

Ha, Im gonna direct you to Greta Thunfish, she would argue you about wasting CO2 and thats bad to the bone

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by Dang3r

Ha, Im gonna direct you to Greta Thunfish, she would argue you about wasting CO2 and thats bad to the bone

Lups versus Greta Thunberg in a fight or a debate? I'm calling dibs on the pay-per-view TV broadcast rights!!!!!

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Lups

I think you should know what happened to me yesterday before your request is processed.

I go to old people walks. As in, my friends and I go walk our dogs together. Sadly we all have spouses and kids, so the only time we have to do it is around 4 or 5 am. They all know me, so there hasn't been a ton of takers this week to go with me. Apparently covid is a valid excuse to avoid me too!

You see, this is budget week. I've gone through all receipts, counted every penny, calculated expenses and I blew a fuse or two when I realized our electricity bill and water bill have gone up like 25% each this year. Sounds horrible but this house is heated with electricity and with water combined they were less than 3k.

Grocery bills went down a ton, entertainment bills even more.

So there I was, at 4.30 am steaming over our absolutely overblown water bill for the year wasteful living and then I congratulated myself for cutting costs on some areas at least.

"Entertainment you say? So pornhub did the free coverage in finland too?"

There i was, on a potato field waiting for our dogs to shit while ranting about how bad my annual charts are looking and I got made fun of by the only person who still talks to me during my financial crisis week of the year.

In about 20 minutes I had like 20 awesome comebacks ready, sadly in the moment, all I did was wallow on self pity cuz I had already spent money on his Christmas gift.

I'm really bad with people

I always walk away from our interactions halfway not understanding what I just read, and somehow enlightened at the same time. It's like getting wisdom from a Kung-Fu master that avoids the answer to the question, yet gives a more insight than what was needed with a completely unrelatable response.

example:

Me: Master, why is it that so many ladies seem interested, yet none will commit?

You: I dropped a hammer on my foot today and a bird shat on my head. Go young grasshopper, I grow weary of your bullshit now.