[Mein11]

Agreed with homie above. Just seems like a bad timing thing between your work and their trip. Sure it sucks not being together, but I'd let her go on the trip and then spend your Eve with friends and still enjoy the night. Plenty of days in the future that you'll spend together. Plus you mentioned this trip was planned quite some time ago, so she's probably been looking forward to it since then.

Plus, I'm not one to get hung up on holidays. To me every day is a holiday, so any day get to spend with people I care about is what counts. Hell you guys could make your own New Years party in the middle of a random month to make up for it. It'd be stupid, fun, invite friends over, make your own ball drop thing, etc.

[Chihuahua]

Originally Posted by Sedan_Clan

Choosing not to be "that guy," I told her I didn't mind.

Right in that moment is where you went wrong.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Sedan_Clan

Ok ladies and gents, I'll present a scenario and I want honest feedback.

So….

…my career field doesn't really provide me with holidays off most of the time. My station does a lottery type approach to Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day; essentially everybody will get one of those four days off.

In July of this year, Hottie Attorney was asked to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for New Year's Eve (….prior to anything official happening between her and I in terms of relationship status/title although we had been casually dating ever since April of 2020). I've known about the trip since July, but I didn't think much of it initially. One of her friends played with the idea of it being a couples trip if I could find a guy friend for her, but that wasn't something I could commit to.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. Hottie Attorney asked me if I felt left out/slighted because I wasn't formally invited. Choosing not to be "that guy," I told her I didn't mind. I didn't want to come across controlling or anything. For the record, she has gone on many girl's-only trips, so that's not the crux of the issue. In any case, I asked for Christmas Eve off because she holds that day in high(er) regard, but I was given New Year's Eve off instead. I had hoped that being presented with that information she would have taken it upon herself to decide to spend it with me since I'm off work. When that didn't happen, I started to develop a bit of resentment because I would've done that for her. To me, New Year's Eve can be significant when you're in a relationship and it began to bother me.

On Tuesday night I finally said something……at 2am. Admittedly it wasn't ideal timing considering it was the middle of the night and considering she has been really stressed at work. It also didn't help that Sunday and Monday she could feel a shift in my energy, but she didn't understand why. In that moment, I basically released everything that had been building up, and it blindsided her a bit. Generally speaking, our communication is fantastic, but in that moment there was a breakdown. I take responsibility for not bringing it up sooner; for allowing it to fester. While we both consider it a minor hiccup that wasn't damaging (…and was a small ordeal in the grand scheme of the relationship), I can't help but question whether I should've made a big deal about it. To me, the issue surrounding spending that evening together means something. She admitted that it was a lapse of judgment on her part not to acknowledge my availability and to attempt to consider other options. We both carry responsibility in this, but I do feel bad because she's shouldering a lot at work and this issue just added more stress because she had an opportunity to decline to go, but when asked I didn't speak up at the time. Now there's some tension. Not relationship ending tension, but tension nonetheless…..and I feel like we took a slight step backwards from a mostly forward progressing and healthy relationship.

My heart was in the right place. I just want to be with her that evening. It will fill awkward being off and us not being together. I know if the shoe were on the other foot and I went to Las Vegas instead of spending it with her - knowing she was available - she would feel some type of way about that (…and probably question my priorities). She told me she would rethink the trip, but if she decides to spend it with me, will there be resentment? If she decides to go, what does that say about our relationship, my voiced concerns and her priorities? I dunno. I'm trapped in a whirlwind of perplexity. Thoughts?

My brother from another mother....look at you being all adultish and shit. Well done, proud of both of you. Shit like this makes me smile.

Here are my thoughts. You have every right to communicate how you feel, just as you would want the same from her. Don't hold anything in, just as you wouldn't want the same from her. I completely understand where you are coming from. Now, if she goes on the trip, there could be resentment from your end. If she stays and spends time with you, as much as you'll enjoy the time, if you're anything like me; you'll wonder whether or not she is pretending not to be upset, by not going, and spending the time with you. This type of thinking is flawed, I recognize it and don't fall into this mentality. It's self-defeating.


I personally like to challenge myself on weird little things. Situations, conversations or even just mental or emotional concerns, I feel I need to work on. This would be one of those times for me. You have already had the conversation, she understands how you feel. Whatever her decision is, just be good with that and let it go. If she goes on the trip, be happy for her and let her have a good time. Do not make her feel guilty for it later. If she chooses to stay and spend the time with you, eat that shit up and show her how much you appreciate that decision.

Relationships aren't easy and situations get stressful; it's all in how you handle it. When you're at the gym and you're on your 3rd or 4th set, shaking, muscles are damn near to failure....do you drop the weight, get upset and say nah fuck this? Nope, you keep pushing until you reach failure or the end of your set. Mentally, it's the same thing. Some topics need focus & attention and must be discussed, some need the same attention, and that attention needs only to be resolved internally. The discussion has been had, let her make the decision and you be happy with whatever she does, because at the end of it, she is still coming back to you regardless. That shows her intent. This is way more than what most people get in relationships these days.

Something I noticed in your post is the "I would do this for her, let's see if she does it for me" and expectations based off how we would handle a situation. This is an extremely slippery slope. This is what put the fear uncertainty and doubt in my relationship. Something to keep in the back of your mind is that, people tend to treat people how they would like to be treated themselves. When a person goes out of their way to act toward an individual, that does not reciprocate the same behavior; this creates animosity quickly. Something I have learned recently is that you can't always expect the same in return. People tend to love with whatever capacity they have. If you know, with certainty, where she is in the relationship; if she goes on the trip it shouldn't bother you. You are the priority, this is just a trip and timing was off; that simple.

Originally Posted by ///d

First off, you have every right to vent your feelings and frustrations. It sounds like both of you are at an understanding about it, so don't dwell on it, learn from it and move on. What's done is done. Every relationship will have those moments, it's how you move forward that matters.

Now, I can only speak for myself and how I would feel in that situation. I'm a pretty easy going "it is what it is" type of guy, so keep that in mind.

Because of your relationship status when you learned of the trip, and the uncertainty of days off and the inability to say yes when it was first brought up, if it were me I would brush it off and toss it up as a "the timing just didn't work out" type of thing. Yes, the plans can be changed now that you know you have NYE off, but we are a just a few weeks away and at this point everything is already planned out and in place as far as her trip. If it were me, I'd tell her she's worked hard and deserves her trip and to have fun, especially since it was already a thing before you became what you are now. When she gets back you can spend plenty of quality time together. Try to let go of that resentment. I don't think it's a matter of priorities, this was something thats shes been planning and likely excited about for a while.

My girl takes trips for her business a lot that are also "fun" trips. Sometimes they happen to be right when I get home from long trainings or whatever and while I would love to spend that time with her, I know those trips are important to her and she works hard to make them happen, and I don't want to take that away from her. Her happiness is my priority.

Great response.

[nyalpine90]

In a relationship, always speak up if something is bothering you, air it out. Dont sit on it, dont dwell on it...bring it to table and express yourself. Talk it out, and move on. if you dont and something else happens then BOOOOOMB!! if she asks you are you ok, is there something bothering you, tell her.

[Alfisti]

Sedan you sound like a woman in this instance.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Sedan you sound like a woman in this instance.

Shit. After recent concerns in my relationship, I was telling my best friend about what happened. After listening intently, he asked me; "When did you become the woman?" and at the same time.

[TiMSport]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

Shit. After recent concerns in my relationship, I was telling my best friend about what happened. After listening intently, he asked me; "When did you become the woman?" and at the same time.

Well I do recall you talking about some seasonal potpourri with some wince-worthy names or some shit that you'd been using at the house so.....

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by TiMSport

Well I do recall you talking about some seasonal potpourri with some wince-worthy names or some shit that you'd been using at the house so.....

Hush your lips Tim. My house smells good.

I have to do something, the bodies in the basement start to stink after a while.

[Sara]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

Hush your lips Tim. My house smells good.

I have to do something, the bodies in the basement start to stink after a while.

That's why you put them in barrels.

[Sedan_Clan]

Thanks for the responses/feedback. I appreciate it. It seems like she has been conflicted about going even prior to our discussion. She has made a few comments that have insinuated either she's ambivalent about going and/or she feels somewhat obligated to go because of the expected financial contribution (…she's covering half of the room). Ah well! I suppose it's water under the bridge at this point. What will be, will be.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Sara

That's why you put them in barrels.

The number of sealed 55 gallon drums is going to require additional permitting soon.

[Sara]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

The number of sealed 55 gallon drums is going to require additional permitting soon.

Bonfire instead?

[Pindjurman]

A girl once invited me to her place which was a complete mess, empty pizza boxes, clothes and other sh*t everywhere, I was in shock, I've never seen anything like that in person. And she actually got offended because I did not take my shoes off when I entered the apartment. Kind of a red flag I would say.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Sara

Bonfire instead?

YES!!! I can add patchouli, cinnamon and nutmeg and maybe some pine cones for a nice wintery solstice holiday scent, that my entire neighborhood can enjoy!! Genius! Public service announcement: Do not roast hot dogs or marshmallows at Jody's bonfire's.

[Sara]

Originally Posted by King Rudi

YES!!! I can add patchouli, cinnamon and nutmeg and maybe some pine cones for a nice wintery solstice holiday scent, that my entire neighborhood can enjoy!! Genius! Public service announcement: Do not roast hot dogs or marshmallows at Jody's bonfire's.

All you need is moonshine and smores and you're all set

[Finn Germai-Yaz]

I'm based in Vegas if you need a wingman for the attorney's friend.

[Sedan_Clan]

Originally Posted by nawfoo

I'm based in Vegas if you need a wingman for the attorney's friend.

Hahaha! I appreciate the show of support.

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Sedan_Clan

Ok ladies and gents, I'll present a scenario and I want honest feedback.

So….

…my career field doesn't really provide me with holidays off most of the time. My station does a lottery type approach to Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day; essentially everybody will get one of those four days off.

In July of this year, Hottie Attorney was asked to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for New Year's Eve (….prior to anything official happening between her and I in terms of relationship status/title although we had been casually dating ever since April of 2020). I've known about the trip since July, but I didn't think much of it initially. One of her friends played with the idea of it being a couples trip if I could find a guy friend for her, but that wasn't something I could commit to.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. Hottie Attorney asked me if I felt left out/slighted because I wasn't formally invited. Choosing not to be "that guy," I told her I didn't mind. I didn't want to come across controlling or anything. For the record, she has gone on many girl's-only trips, so that's not the crux of the issue. In any case, I asked for Christmas Eve off because she holds that day in high(er) regard, but I was given New Year's Eve off instead. I had hoped that being presented with that information she would have taken it upon herself to decide to spend it with me since I'm off work. When that didn't happen, I started to develop a bit of resentment because I would've done that for her. To me, New Year's Eve can be significant when you're in a relationship and it began to bother me.

On Tuesday night I finally said something……at 2am. Admittedly it wasn't ideal timing considering it was the middle of the night and considering she has been really stressed at work. It also didn't help that Sunday and Monday she could feel a shift in my energy, but she didn't understand why. In that moment, I basically released everything that had been building up, and it blindsided her a bit. Generally speaking, our communication is fantastic, but in that moment there was a breakdown. I take responsibility for not bringing it up sooner; for allowing it to fester. While we both consider it a minor hiccup that wasn't damaging (…and was a small ordeal in the grand scheme of the relationship), I can't help but question whether I should've made a big deal about it. To me, the issue surrounding spending that evening together means something. She admitted that it was a lapse of judgment on her part not to acknowledge my availability and to attempt to consider other options. We both carry responsibility in this, but I do feel bad because she's shouldering a lot at work and this issue just added more stress because she had an opportunity to decline to go, but when asked I didn't speak up at the time. Now there's some tension. Not relationship ending tension, but tension nonetheless…..and I feel like we took a slight step backwards from a mostly forward progressing and healthy relationship.

My heart was in the right place. I just want to be with her that evening. It will fill awkward being off and us not being together. I know if the shoe were on the other foot and I went to Las Vegas instead of spending it with her - knowing she was available - she would feel some type of way about that (…and probably question my priorities). She told me she would rethink the trip, but if she decides to spend it with me, will there be resentment? If she decides to go, what does that say about our relationship, my voiced concerns and her priorities? I dunno. I'm trapped in a whirlwind of perplexity. Thoughts?

I've let stuff fester too, so keep that in mind - I'm no better than you when I say this. Communication is so important. And not the type of communication that happens once you boil over from having let something fester. That's the bad sort. But sounds like you already recognize where you went wrong.

You have every right to communicate, and you should, as early as possible. As soon as you let something fester, I've found that during the time I let it fester, it becomes a much bigger deal to me than it would be if I addressed it right off the bat. I suspect this is because I have (and we all have) a little internal attorney present at all times, defending us and our actions, explaining to our inner self why we were right / justified, and why the other person wasn't. This attorney really goes to work if you give him the time to do so - he's fricking tireless in his efforts and when you let something fester, you give this guy the time to blow things out of proportion.

Ultimately, you aren't wrong about your desire to spend time together on significant occasions, nor are you wrong that if the shoe was on the other foot, she might be looking at you with similar resentment.

That said, you've also known about this for a while and didn't say anything until it was too late. Not only that, when asked, you told her you didn't mind. This then is a consequence of your actions, so take it. You lied, and you didn't act in time. That's it, bluntly, in a nut shell. It would not be fair for you to now expect her to cancel for you having misled her. Think about how you might feel if she did to you, what you did to her, and you had already committed to going on a trip with some guys, and last minute she says "why didn't you cancel"? Even though you had been told she didn't mind you going, and never said anything about it the whole way along.

Communication, communication, communication. So fricking important. And knowing that, I still fail to do so adequately and quickly enough numerous times in my marriage.

Sounds like otherwise you have a very healthy relationship and you tend to communicate quickly with each other.

[Sedan_Clan]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

I've let stuff fester too, so keep that in mind - I'm no better than you when I say this. Communication is so important. And not the type of communication that happens once you boil over from having let something fester. That's the bad sort. But sounds like you already recognize where you went wrong.

You have every right to communicate, and you should, as early as possible. As soon as you let something fester, I've found that during the time I let it fester, it becomes a much bigger deal to me than it would be if I addressed it right off the bat. I suspect this is because I have (and we all have) a little internal attorney present at all times, defending us and our actions, explaining to our inner self why we were right / justified, and why the other person wasn't. This attorney really goes to work if you give him the time to do so - he's fricking tireless in his efforts and when you let something fester, you give this guy the time to blow things out of proportion.

Ultimately, you aren't wrong about your desire to spend time together on significant occasions, nor are you wrong that if the shoe was on the other foot, she might be looking at you with similar resentment.

That said, you've also known about this for a while and didn't say anything until it was too late. Not only that, when asked, you told her you didn't mind. This then is a consequence of your actions, so take it. You lied, and you didn't act in time. That's it, bluntly, in a nut shell. It would not be fair for you to now expect her to cancel for you having misled her. Think about how you might feel if she did to you, what you did to her, and you had already committed to going on a trip with some guys, and last minute she says "why didn't you cancel"? Even though you had been told she didn't mind you going, and never said anything about it the whole way along.

Communication, communication, communication. So fricking important. And knowing that, I still fail to do so adequately and quickly enough numerous times in my marriage.

Sounds like otherwise you have a very healthy relationship and you tend to communicate quickly with each other.

You're right! A few weeks ago when she asked me how I felt, I should've just said something. Lesson learned for sure.

[Alfisti]

I am of western european blood lines, shoes in the house are absolutely forbidden.

[SickGTR]

Originally Posted by Sedan_Clan

Hahaha! I appreciate the show of support.

Tell her to go!! Give her spending money. Round up your homies and kill it for the time she is away. When my girl ever talks about trips, I make her go!!!! Last time she went on a girls trip, pre Covid I rounded some of my friends up and went to the Waste Management golf tournament. That shit was epic!! If anyone is reading this and is debating this trip, it's a must. Scottsdale is awesome at night!! We did VIP on the 16th hole, drank and ate all day. Golfed a few rounds. Girls were flashing tits and beer bonging at the 16 th hole. Is was crazy fun!! Do something fun while she is away. If she gives you any shit about that, you got the wrong one my friend.

[Turkish Pickle]

I have a first date tonight, first since June 2020. Slightly nervous because it's been a while but it should be easy enough. Her bio reads "sushi and beer are the way to my heart and my pants".

Guess what's for dinner tonight?