The joke thread, pics are not necessary

M5Rick · 05-20-2023, 12:52 AM

There's a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Paul.

Llarry · 05-20-2023, 08:34 PM

An old pilot sat down in a cafe and ordered a cup of coffee.

A few minutes later, a young woman came and sat down across from him and asked "Are you a real pilot?"

"Sure am, missy, I've flown everything from biplanes to Piper Cubs to B-29 Superfortresses. I've taught hundreds of people to fly. I've flown my whole life. What about you?"

"I'm a lesbian. I spend my every waking hour thinking about naked women. I think about naked women when I eat, when I shower, when I watch TV. Everything I do makes me think about naked women."

Just then a young man sat down at the table and asked "Are you a real pilot?"

The pilot replied "Well, I used to be, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Llarry · 05-21-2023, 03:29 AM

Merging the airplane and joke threads...

M5Rick · 05-22-2023, 10:24 AM

The reward for a job well done is more work.

M5Rick · 05-24-2023, 08:14 AM

I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.

KRS_SN · 05-24-2023, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M5Rick

The reward for a job well done is more work.

Words of a senior colleague..

'In this job the harder you work the harder you'll be made to work'.

KRS_SN · 05-25-2023, 03:41 PM

My friend who is an insomniac, agnostic dyslexic, who laid awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

M5Rick · 05-27-2023, 04:03 PM

I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already 150 bucks up. I love being a postman!

M5Rick · 05-31-2023, 06:32 AM

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

PcarFan · 06-01-2023, 09:38 AM

Newly married husband puts a notice on the front door of his residence.

For sale: Computer and encyclopedia both in good condition.

Reason for selling: No longer needed, got married. Wife knows everything...With back up server called "Mother in law".

Esteban · 06-01-2023, 11:14 AM

A blonde called her boyfriend and said “please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure it out or how to get it started.“ Her boyfriend asked “what is it supposed to be when it’s finished?“ The blonde said “according to the picture of the box, it’s a tiger.“

Her boyfriend decided to come over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said “first of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.“

He took her hand and said “second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then,” he said, “let’s put all these frosted flakes back into the box.“

M5Rick · 06-03-2023, 04:01 AM

My dad used to say ''always fight fire with fire''. Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Brigade.

M5Rick · 06-04-2023, 02:08 AM

As time goes on and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

PcarFan · 06-07-2023, 02:59 PM

Why are women evacuated first in a disaster?

So men can think of a solution in silence.

UncleWede · 06-07-2023, 03:12 PM

Who takes care of the chickens?

.

Chicken tender

CarsAndGuitars · 06-07-2023, 03:17 PM

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CarsAndGuitars · 06-07-2023, 03:18 PM

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vreihen16 · 06-09-2023, 12:02 PM

Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire jumped in front of their car.

One nun says to the other, quick jump out and show him your cross.

The nun jumped out of the car and started yelling.. Get out of the road you idiot! You make me so angry !

M5Rick · 06-10-2023, 02:09 AM

I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

Llarry · 06-10-2023, 07:31 AM

Shortages

Lady Jane · 06-10-2023, 11:03 AM

A Canadian traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border in Alberta.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and Shania Twain on the other."

"This I got to see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Toronto "

Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Ontario?

"The agent replied, "I recognized Justin Trudeau in the middle."

Llarry · 06-10-2023, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Jane

"The agent replied, "I recognized Justin Trudeau in the middle."

<groan>

05-20-2023, 12:52 AM	#1057
M5Rick General 66603 Rep 21,531 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	There's a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Paul.
	Appreciate 4 Llarry20356.00 CamasM3e933482.50 AlpineBoost3930.50 Buug95921458.50 Quote

05-20-2023, 08:34 PM	#1058
Llarry ///M driver 20356 Rep 671 Posts Drives: '22 M3 6-spd FS & 2025 M850ix Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oregon iTrader: (0) Garage List 2025 BMW M850i xDri ... [0.00] 2022 BMW M3 [9.33] 2021 Porsche Macan GTS [6.25]	An old pilot sat down in a cafe and ordered a cup of coffee. A few minutes later, a young woman came and sat down across from him and asked "Are you a real pilot?" "Sure am, missy, I've flown everything from biplanes to Piper Cubs to B-29 Superfortresses. I've taught hundreds of people to fly. I've flown my whole life. What about you?" "I'm a lesbian. I spend my every waking hour thinking about naked women. I think about naked women when I eat, when I shower, when I watch TV. Everything I do makes me think about naked women." Just then a young man sat down at the table and asked "Are you a real pilot?" The pilot replied "Well, I used to be, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." __________________ '22 G80 M3 6-sp Portimão Blue/Tartufo (For sale) '25 M850ix GC (Ordered)
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05-21-2023, 03:29 AM	#1059
Llarry ///M driver 20356 Rep 671 Posts Drives: '22 M3 6-spd FS & 2025 M850ix Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oregon iTrader: (0) Garage List 2025 BMW M850i xDri ... [0.00] 2022 BMW M3 [9.33] 2021 Porsche Macan GTS [6.25]	Merging the airplane and joke threads... Attached Images __________________ '22 G80 M3 6-sp Portimão Blue/Tartufo (For sale) '25 M850ix GC (Ordered)
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05-22-2023, 10:24 AM	#1060
M5Rick General 66603 Rep 21,531 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	The reward for a job well done is more work.
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05-24-2023, 08:14 AM	#1061
M5Rick General 66603 Rep 21,531 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.
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05-25-2023, 03:41 PM	#1063
KRS_SN Major General 14235 Rep 5,402 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	My friend who is an insomniac, agnostic dyslexic, who laid awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
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05-27-2023, 04:03 PM	#1064
M5Rick General 66603 Rep 21,531 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	I've opened three birthday cards and I'm already 150 bucks up. I love being a postman!
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05-31-2023, 06:32 AM	#1065
M5Rick General 66603 Rep 21,531 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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06-01-2023, 09:38 AM	#1066
PcarFan Baned 937 Rep 64 Posts Drives: BMW Join Date: Mar 2023 Location: Neck of the woods iTrader: (0)	Newly married husband puts a notice on the front door of his residence. For sale: Computer and encyclopedia both in good condition. Reason for selling: No longer needed, got married. Wife knows everything...With back up server called "Mother in law".
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06-01-2023, 11:14 AM	#1067
Esteban Major General 51193 Rep 7,235 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	A blonde called her boyfriend and said “please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure it out or how to get it started.“ Her boyfriend asked “what is it supposed to be when it’s finished?“ The blonde said “according to the picture of the box, it’s a tiger.“ Her boyfriend decided to come over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said “first of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.“ He took her hand and said “second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then,” he said, “let’s put all these frosted flakes back into the box.“
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06-03-2023, 04:01 AM	#1068
M5Rick General 66603 Rep 21,531 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	My dad used to say ''always fight fire with fire''. Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Brigade.
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06-04-2023, 02:08 AM	#1069
M5Rick General 66603 Rep 21,531 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	As time goes on and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
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06-07-2023, 02:59 PM	#1070
PcarFan Baned 937 Rep 64 Posts Drives: BMW Join Date: Mar 2023 Location: Neck of the woods iTrader: (0)	Why are women evacuated first in a disaster? So men can think of a solution in silence.
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06-07-2023, 03:12 PM	#1071
UncleWede Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner 18326 Rep 9,410 Posts Drives: G01 X3 M40i Dark Graphite Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Oxnard, CA iTrader: (0)	Who takes care of the chickens? . Chicken tender __________________ I have romped on her and I giggled like a drunk infant the entire time. - Sedan_Clan
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06-07-2023, 03:17 PM	#1072
CarsAndGuitars Lieutenant 2075 Rep 544 Posts Drives: 2022 M240i Join Date: Mar 2022 Location: South FL iTrader: (0)	__________________ 2022 BMW M240i Portimao Gone: 2020 Genesis G70 3.3T \| 2018 Audi A5 SportBack \| 2015 Challenger Scat Pack \| 2011 Mustang V6 \| numerous others..
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06-07-2023, 03:18 PM	#1073
CarsAndGuitars Lieutenant 2075 Rep 544 Posts Drives: 2022 M240i Join Date: Mar 2022 Location: South FL iTrader: (0)	__________________ 2022 BMW M240i Portimao Gone: 2020 Genesis G70 3.3T \| 2018 Audi A5 SportBack \| 2015 Challenger Scat Pack \| 2011 Mustang V6 \| numerous others..
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06-09-2023, 12:02 PM	#1074
vreihen16 Recovering Perfectionist 19163 Rep 982 Posts Drives: 2015 BMW i3 BEV Join Date: Jun 2019 Location: Orange County, NY iTrader: (0) Garage List 2014 Mighty Freight ... [0.00] 2000 Audi TT Quattro [0.00] 1967 Formula Vee [0.00]	Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when a vampire jumped in front of their car. One nun says to the other, quick jump out and show him your cross. The nun jumped out of the car and started yelling.. Get out of the road you idiot! You make me so angry ! __________________ Currently BMW-less.
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06-10-2023, 02:09 AM	#1075
M5Rick General 66603 Rep 21,531 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
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06-10-2023, 07:31 AM	#1076
Llarry ///M driver 20356 Rep 671 Posts Drives: '22 M3 6-spd FS & 2025 M850ix Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oregon iTrader: (0) Garage List 2025 BMW M850i xDri ... [0.00] 2022 BMW M3 [9.33] 2021 Porsche Macan GTS [6.25]	Shortages Attached Images __________________ '22 G80 M3 6-sp Portimão Blue/Tartufo (For sale) '25 M850ix GC (Ordered)
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06-10-2023, 11:03 AM	#1077
Lady Jane Cailín gan eagla. 78978 Rep 1,036 Posts Drives: 2024 X3 M40i and R1200RT bike. Join Date: Mar 2020 Location: Atlantic Canada. iTrader: (0)	A Canadian traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border in Alberta. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy. "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and Shania Twain on the other." "This I got to see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Toronto " Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Ontario? "The agent replied, "I recognized Justin Trudeau in the middle."
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