[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

She has issues with initiating anything. To paint the picture, she has joint custody with her ex-husband; one week he has them, one week she has them. On the weeks that he has them, she stays at my house. No I don't like staying at her house because it's a wreck and chaotic. I can't relax in an environment like that, it makes me want to clean.

Her kids are 6, 8 & 10; mine are 18 & 19. I don't spend much time at her house while her kids are there. Biggest reasons being that I don't want to intrude on their time with their mother as they are young; the second reason is that I don't do well around kids that yell, scream and misbehave. I didn't allow my kids to act like this and I'm not going to put up with someone else's. I can tell that it bothers her that I don't spend time around her kids, but it doesn't bother her nearly as much as it will when I go ape shit on them at some point when I've finally had enough of constant crying and screaming.

In 2 1/2 years I can recall her cooking dinner for me twice. On the weeks that she is at my house, I cook or buy dinner every single night. She will assist with gathering plates, cutlery, napkins, etc. but does nothing to help cook. Asking her what she wants for dinner is pointless as she will stare at me like deer in headlights and will never come up with anything. She hates her job and doesn't make much money, yet does nothing to improve the situation like look for another job. Her ex-husband the equivalent of the love child of Bob Villa and Mr. Bean destroyed her house trying to be a handy man. She can't afford to fix it, I don't have the time, patience of the money to fix it for her. She has a huge house with lots of land that she can't afford and shit is constantly breaking but refuses to sell the house because of the emotional attachment she thinks that her kids have on the house.

Now that I have spewed forth the painting, last night we are in bed; I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well in weeks. She wants sex and I'm all about it, but she makes no effort whatsoever. I begin kissing her, she kisses me back but that's it. I stop kissing her, she does nothing. My point is this, I initiate sex, every single time we have it. In over two years, she has initiated sex twice, both of which being on my birthday. I explained to her how tired I was and if she wanted sex she may have to take control and just take it. She laid her head on my chest. After about 10 minutes I finally turn off the light, the tv and she rolls over on the far side of the bed. At this point, I'm pretty well pissed off. She is game for sex whenever as long I'm all over her and pleasing her. Don't get me wrong the sex is amazing but if I don't touch her/please her multiple times first; she will never make the first move. Perhaps I'm used to dating whores that can't keep their hands off of me but she acts completely like a tag-a-long.

She complains about being poor, yet does nothing to change it. She is losing her ass on her house, but due to the fact that she hasn't changed jobs to generate more income, it spirals out of control. Her children don't listen to her and do whatever the hell they want because she won't reprimand/punish them. Basically she takes no initiative whatsoever in anything, yet if someone else is doing something she'll participate and help out.

She is a good person, she has a good heart, I would never have to worry about her cheating....or so I feel. She has an amazing body and the sex is phenomenal as long as I don't expect her to take charge or touch me first, etc.

Am I being an asshole or is it too much to ask for someone to get motivated and do something, with not only their life, but with me as well?

There is no perfect woman out there, just like you are no perfect man. And I bet that the initial thrill of the dating phase will eventually get old too as you realize you will always find the flaws in each other with each new person...eventually that realization must set in, and no doubt leaves one jaded if you are always looking for the perfect match.

I don't know, sounds like it is a balancing of positives and negatives, and figuring out if you can live with the negatives. I would say the lack of initiation is frustrating, but not nearly as important as the kids. The kids are always going to be around, in some way or another, and always number one for her. And if you can't stand them, I don't know long run how that will play out, but I wouldn't be surprised if its a struggle.

On the other hand, you say she's attractive and a good person (very important and hard to find sometimes with those who are not already in relationships). I would not be surprised if you took a few days to clear your head and disconnect a little from your frustration in the moment that you found many other positive traits about her.

Obviously I can't tell you what to do, but I'd encourage you to step back and evaluate the situation with a calm mind and be fair to her before you take any action. There are some very concerning things here, no doubt.

How many times have you discussed this with her and asked her to initiate sometimes? Have you conveyed how important it is to you?

This doesn't mean it will change of course - I've tried having this discussion with my dear wife, and it really hasn't changed things. But ultimately, it's not the hill I wish to die on, there are far too many other good things about her.