[NEFARIOUS]

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered,
"Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, the maid is the work force, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it", responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better tomorrow morning and I'll think of another way to tell you." said the dad.

Soon after Little Jonny went off to bed, his baby brother started crying. He went to the crib and found him with a poopy diaper, so he went to his parent's room, but found his mom so far asleep, she doesn't even want to wake up. Dad was in the maid's quarters having sex with her, but he was too surprised to do anything, and neither person bothered to stop despite his knocking and shouting. He just had an epiphany and thinks out loud: "Oh, NOW I understand the government! The president is screwing the work force, congress is out of it, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

[GOLFFRR]

when I die I want to be cremated that way i will have one last chance to have a smoking hot body

[PINeely]

This one is bad guys and gals...

A Jewish man survived Auschwitz and then traveled to America. Once there, he purchased a lottery ticket and ended up winning the grand prize.

He invited all of his friends and family over to his house for a celebration party. To their horror when they arrived they saw that he had erected a gigantic golden statue of Adolph Hitler in his front yard.

"Why on EARTH would you do that?" they all asked.
"How could I be mad?" he said and rolled up his sleeve: "He gave me the winning numbers!"

[SenorFunkyPants]

During my coffee break at work my wife texted me:
Wife:.....I need to tell you something.
Me:..What is it Honey
Wife:.....I'm sorry but I just broke your new Xbox.
Me:..Whaaaat!!
Wife:....Just kidding I actually want a divorce.
Me:..So my Xbox is ok right?

[MrPrena]

Three pastors and their wives are driving to a convention when they have a terrible accident and they all die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says to the first "What do you have to say for yourself?".
First pastor says "I never took a drink in my life, been a pastor for 40 years, can't wait to get in". St. Peter checks his book and says, "wait a minute...it says here that you never took a drink, but you lusted after alcohol your whole life...you lusted after alcohol so much you married a girl named Brandy. I'm sorry, you missed the mark."

St. Peter asks the second pastor the same thing and he says, "I gave up a good paying job to pastor the flock for 30 years, had lots of opportunities to make money but chose the Lord's work instead".
Peter checks his book and says "wait a minute, it says here you didn't have any money, but you lusted after money your whole life, so much so that you married a girl named Penny. Sorry, you missed the mark."
Third pastor turns to his wife and says, "Come on Fanny, let's go, we haven't got a chance"

[NEFARIOUS]

Two men are in Vegas and decides to visit a hooker. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later unimpressed and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Yeah, you ARE right! Your wife IS better!"

[upstatedoc]

So they flew the body of convicted murderer Richard Matt to Albany Medical Center for an autopsy. Conclusion was death was due to lead poisoning.

[Patrick303]

A man was walking along the beach and came upon a girl with no arms and no legs and she was crying. He walked up and asked "why are you crying?" She replied, "I'm just so sad. In my whole life, I've never been kissed." So the man leaned down and gently picked her up and gave her the most amazing kiss he could. He then set her back down and began to walk away.

At this point she began crying even harder! He returned and asked "now why are you crying?" She replied, "in my whole life, I've never been fucked." So he reached down and picked her up and tossed her into the ocean and screamed "you're fucked now!"

[NEFARIOUS]

A Nissan executive visited the US to show off the facelifted GT-R. However, after his first day, mortified and embarrassed, he went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor... I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like someone is saying the word 'Honda', and it keeps getting louder and louder each time".

"That’s interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor, and sure enough, he hears "HONDA!!!"

The doctor can't figure it out; he sends him to major hospitals, specialists, and even a voodoo witch doctor, and nobody has the slightest clue, and they are growing louder, longer and uncontrollable. Finally, as a last resort, he goes to a doctor in Little Tokyo, who sends him to the dentist.

Despite his confusion and out of desperation, he goes to the dentist, and after the dentist hears his final, almost deafening "HHHHOOOOOONNNNNNNDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! !!!!" fart, he says "A-HA!!!! I sink I find you problem!"

The Nissan exec says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc!" The dentist replies "Sir, you have the abscess tooth." The guy says "Okay... What that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Can't you see? Abscess makes the fart go HONDA!"

[MrPrena]

Originally Posted by NEFARIOUS

A Nissan executive visited the US to show off the facelifted GT-R. However, after his first day, mortified and embarrassed, he went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor... I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like someone is saying the word 'Honda', and it keeps getting louder and louder each time".

"That’s interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor, and sure enough, he hears "HONDA!!!"

The doctor can't figure it out; he sends him to major hospitals, specialists, and even a voodoo witch doctor, and nobody has the slightest clue, and they are growing louder, longer and uncontrollable. Finally, as a last resort, he goes to a doctor in Little Tokyo, who sends him to the dentist.

Despite his confusion and out of desperation, he goes to the dentist, and after the dentist hears his final, almost deafening "HHHHOOOOOONNNNNNNDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! !!!!" fart, he says "A-HA!!!! I sink I find you problem!"

The Nissan exec says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc!" The dentist replies "Sir, you have the abscess tooth." The guy says "Okay... What that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Can't you see? Abscess makes the fart go HONDA!"

[AIRPOWER]

Two unemployed gay guys searching for employment for months....one finally lands a good job and is cooking up some breakfast in the kitchen, he walks into the bedroom to give a kiss goodbye and to his shock sees his lover jerking off with a condom on. He asks what the heck is going on and his lover responds "honey since this is your first day at work.........I thought I would pack you a lunch".

[NEFARIOUS]

A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway. A few minutes later, the first gay guy said: "Excuse me, we both had Mexican food, so I have to fart." He held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low "hsssssss..."

A few miles down the road, the second gay guy announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart too", and the announcement was followed by another low hiss. "Jesus Fuckin' Christ!" the trucker exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men, listen to this!"

A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his ass... "Ohhh!" one gay guy exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Lance? A real virgin!"

[Never Convicted]

A guy and his wife are sitting on their porch at sunset, sharing a glass of wine. The husband gets all wistful and says "honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks for 5 seconds and says "ok, your dick is bigger than your brothers'."

Ba-domp-BOMP!

[pukicabuki]

Originally Posted by NEFARIOUS

A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway. A few minutes later, the first gay guy said: "Excuse me, we both had Mexican food, so I have to fart." He held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low "hsssssss..."

A few miles down the road, the second gay guy announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart too", and the announcement was followed by another low hiss. "Jesus Fuckin' Christ!" the trucker exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men, listen to this!"

A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his ass... "Ohhh!" one gay guy exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Lance? A real virgin!"

[Patrick303]

A newlywed Asian couple are laying in bed. The new husband leans over to his new bride and says "Hey honey, I want to try 69." She spins around and screams "You want beef with broccoli now?!"

[PINeely]

A plane is going down over the ocean and the pilot announces that it is about to crash. A woman stands up and asks the passengers, "Is there anyone on this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?"

A man stands up, rips off his shirt and says, "Quick! Iron this!"

[grieverr]

A foreigner flies to the U.S. for the first time and rents a fancy BMW from the airport. With the the windows down and the music blasting, he starts to drive away and as luck would have it, as he gets on the highway...BAM! Another car crashes into him ruining the car. Both drivers get out to survey the damage. The foreigner is mad, but before he could say anything, the local driver says "hey, no need to worry, this is an easy fix". "How is that possible, the whole side of the car is crumpled", said the foreigner. "No need to worry, my friend", says the local. "Things are different here in this country. You can blow into the muffler and the car will blow up like a balloon and be all fixed. It'll take you 10 minutes". "Really?", says the foreigner in disbelief. "Oh yea", said the local. "Why don't you get started and I'll see if I can find something to blow more air in", said the local. He then got in his car and sped away.

It seemed crazy to the foreigner, but believing that he was, indeed, in this great new country, he got down on his knees behind the car and started blowing into the muffler. A couple of minutes pass and another foreigner pulls up next to the guy and asks "Hey! What are you doing, man?". "Well, as you can see..." says the foreigner, "...I got into an accident and I'm just trying to fix my car". "God, you must be stupid" said the second foreigner. "That's never gonna work. You left the windows down and all the air is getting out!!"

[Patrick303]

Why don't blind people go skydiving??

-- It scares the shit out of their dogs!

[V1.47fan]

Originally Posted by doozyj

What's the difference between BMWs and porcupines?








Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

Thank you and good night.✌

That's original.

[MrPrena]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

[datbimmer]

Well someone got double-likes

[Lups]

Originally Posted by datbimmer

Well someone got double-likes

Lol, yeah, my phone doesn't show the appreciation went through, and apparently they go through anyway. I have appreciated posts up to five times.