[NEFARIOUS]

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctors. "d-d-doctor I c-c-can't stop s-s-stuttering". Well, says the doctor "let me give you a check over".

After giving the man the once over, the doctor arrives at a conclusion. "Remember how when nurse Janie is holding your penis you don't stutter anymore? the problem is quite simple, you have a 16 inch penis, and the sheer weight of it is pulling your voicebox down and thus causing you to stutter. Don't worry though, we can give you a transplant immediately and get you a more normal sized penis."

So they do the surgery and all goes as planned. Two weeks later the man comes in for his check up. "it's amazing doctor, as soon as I woke up, my stutter had completely vanished but I'm afraid I have a problem. My wife can't have an orgasm any more when we have sex, and she wants me to get the old penis back, would that be possible?" and the doctor replies,
" A d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-deal is a d-d-d-deal, sssssssssssssssorry!"

[MrPrena]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

[Lups]

^^ bahahahahahahahhaahhahaha

[MrPrena]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[SenorFunkyPants]

Something a bit different, its a short clip of a show in the UK....hopefully it works wherever you guys are:

[MrPrena]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


=========================


A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[upstatedoc]

Originally Posted by MrPrena

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


=========================


A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

that story is slightly pedo..

[oneup335]

A guy traveling across the country stopped by a bar in a small town, upon entering the bar he noticed everyone there was having a good time. He grabs a stool at the bar where the bartender was and ordered a beer. After several beers another patron came up to him to warn him about the bartender. The patron warned that the bartender loves to get out of towners drunk till they pass out and wheel barrel them to a shed behind the bar and have his ways with them. After receiving this warning the guy was having such a good time he forgot about the warning he received until he woke up being pushed in a wheel barrel. He got up and shouted at the bartender NO! you're not taking me to your shed and having your ways with me! The bartender simply replied taking you? I'm just bring you back to the bar.

[bmw1racer]

Here's the biggest joke of the year:

[NickyC]

The DJIA.

[E90M3velocity]

A Chinese man goes to the optician and the doctor tells him he has a Cataract.

That Chinese man says "no, I have a BMW".

[Cameronc08]

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?



A Klondike .

[MrPrena]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[DSB335d]

Supposedly they are opening a new domestic abuse center for lightly battered women.

They are naming the place Tempura.

[Autobuffoonery]

An old man is sitting on his porch having his morning coffee, and then the young man living next door comes walking by with some chicken wire. The old man asked "what are you doing with that chicken wire?" The young man says "I'm gonna use it to get some chickens"
The old says "ok" and rolls his eyes. 2 hours later the young man comes back with a bunch of chickens.
The next day the young man comes walking by and this time he has duct tape, the old man says "what are you gonna do with that duct tape?" The young man says "I'm gonna get some ducks" again the old man says "ok" and rolls his eyes. 2 hours later the young man comes back with a bunch of ducks!
The next day the young man comes walking by and the old man says "whatcha got today?"
The young man says "pussy willows" the old man says "I'll get my coat!"

[MrPrena]

A HR director at Goldman Sachs had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants." Bubba is now the new director of risk analyst at Goldman Sachs.

[Teddylongtooth]

Can a woman make a man a millionaire???
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.Yes, if he's a billionaire!!!

[E90M3velocity]

What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away.

[rohitsja]

Marriage is scary and the idea of spending the rest of your life with someone is absolutely terrifying. I feel like after I travel on the honeymoon I'll be like "that was a fun trip haha! text me sometime?" And go back to my parents.

[bimmerfrk]

Originally Posted by rohitsja

Marriage is scary and the idea of spending the rest of your life with someone is absolutely terrifying. I feel like after I travel on the honeymoon I'll be like "that was a fun trip haha! text me sometime?" And go back to my parents.

cool story

[4AD]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on the floor?

Matt.



What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the ground?

Doug.



What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs swimming in the ocean?

Bob.




Why did the monkey fall from the tree?

Because he was dead.


After the monkey died, where did he go?

To heaven.


That's all I got for now.

[labman]

An old woman tells her Dr. that something is wrong with her but she doesn't know what it is.
Dr. asked for a urine sample. The woman brings the urine sample to her next appointment.
After the Dr. examined it he says: You have sclerosis.
In amazement the woman says: How did you know that doctor?!
The Dr. replied: You brought me corn oil instead of a urine sample, and the woman says: Ooooh! that's why my pancakes were burned!